Christen, Expecting

It's That Time Again!

2011-08-02T13:34:00.008-04:00

Yep, it's GOOGLE That Shit time!! This is the part where I look up what people have been searching and finally clicking on my blog. I've got some good ones this time around, but I noticed that the traffic on my blog has been really high the last few weeks, and I know it wasn't because I whored my blog out shamelessly on social media sites.

I would never.

The #1 search keyword(s) was "toddlers and tiaras", followed by "toddlers in tiaras". Mix in a few more variations of that, add the word "pics" and it rounds out the top 10. Seriously, y'all are some sick mofos if you're actually spending time searching for anything that has do to with miniature-sized versions of Kim Zolciak, BUT, you're a certain kind of special for clicking on my blog and reading my opinion of the issue after I had 3 glasses of wine. Touche.

So, without further adieu, I present to you the best of Christen, Expecting keyword searches:

"christen a bed"

"a nice christen lady for dinner and sex" (Nice one!!)

"birthday hooker" (I call my girlfriends hookers as a term of endearment, even on their birthdays, but I have a feeling this search was looking for a classifed ad.)

"drivewayhappyhour" (high-five!)

"eat pig"

"for what reasons a pastor refuses to christen a baby" (I hope they found the answer they were looking for somewhere in the depths of my insightful blog.)

"oprah's final show drinking game" (Another high-five!)

"people of walmart kids"

"focus daddy nude girls blogspot" (What. The. Hell?)

"home goods giant cheese grater"

"scary halloween pregnancy costumes"

"which gender eat sunchips"

"what should the temperature for skinny girl margarita be in a mini fridge" (Really? If you really want to know, I'll pull a random number out of my ass for you, type it here, then delete it because it DOESN'T EFFING MATTER. You buy the shit on the non-refrigerated shelf next to all the other booze. You can drink it at room temp (which Noah would probably prefer), pour it over ice, or pour some in a mug, pop it in the microwave, and throw back a hot toddy or two with grandma. I might just try the latter this winter.)

and, of course, it wouldn't be a true Google That Shit post without old faithful:

"vodka tampon calories"

Summer... Is It Over Yet?

2011-07-13T06:39:00.007-04:00

21 days into summer vacation.

I started losing my patience little by little 20 days ago...

Do y'all have any idea how hard it is to entertain a little boy/crotchety old man AND a toddler AT THE SAME TIME?

One is building with Legos. The other is eating them.

One is coloring in the lines. The other is coloring in her nostrils.

I put Ellie down for a nap the other day, and suggested to Noah to go outside and build a fort. He looked at me over his reading glasses and New York Times crossword puzzle and told me to kiss his ass... it's too hot and humid outside, bitch. We compromised that maybe after his nap, he'd consider it.

I must say, picnics in the yard work well. It's so cute to watch Ellie feed Noah blueberries, followed by a chubby handful of grass, dirt and pebbles. Priceless.

There's only so many popsicles I can feed my kids before my Mother-of-the-Year nomination comes into question. Although, I think physically trying to run my kid over with the cart in the grocery store to prove my point of , "Walk right next to me, NOT in front of the cart. I'll run your ass over if someone else doesn't run you over first!" promises a M.o.t.Y. trophy.

Speaking of grocery shopping, it has literally become my worst nightmare. The second Ellie gets in the cart, she starts screaming. No amount of anything will keep her quiet. Noah just drives me bat-shit crazy, picking up every package with any hint of Cars 2 or Star Wars asking, "Can we get it?" with the my reply of, "No". Repeat 400 effing times. Don't forget about preventing him from becoming roadkill, injured and curled up below the Boar's Head deli case. Look, I just want to grab a cucumber, chicken and some milk. Instead I get hit in the forehead with a toddler-launched apple (happened to me just yesterday), stares from non-moms, and "Clean-up on aisle 4. And 5. Damn, do aisle 8 too, please." over the store-wide intercom.

I can't manage to count how many days I have left until Noah starts 1st grade and I'm no longer out-numbered from the butt-crack of dawn until bedtime. Until then, I'll just take deep breaths, medicate, and enjoy this time with my beautiful children (when their sleeping).

Godspeed.

Win-Win-Win Dessert

2011-07-01T09:26:00.009-04:00

Why is this win-win-win? Because it's easy, healthy(mostly), and beautiful!

It's a crostata, the Italian-inspired rustic tart, and it's my go-to dessert for last-minute dinner invites and just pure laziness. It's even easier than getting in the car and driving my ass to the local bakery to buy a dessert. All you need is a refrigerated pie crust and some seasonal fresh fruit. Stone fruits, berries and mangos work really well. One of my favorite combinations is a mango crostata with dulce de leche ice cream.

You can not fail with this dessert, unless you put it in the oven, totally forget that you have perfection inside, and burn the shit out of it. A timer and A.D.D. meds are you're friend when you're baking.

Soapbox side note:

Let's talk about refrigerated pie crust from the grocery. I love the stuff. I keep boxes of it in my freezer. Now I know it's blasphemy for a pastry chef to use premade pie crusts, but since all my patience is wasted on my kids, Lord help me, I have no shame in using the stuff. I think it tastes great, and unless you're Martha Stewart or a pie-crust aficionado, you won't be able to tell the difference. I also use the stuff for chicken pot pie and quiche. And no, the refrigerated pie crust people aren't paying me to say this.

Here's what you do:

Preheat oven to 375.

Unroll pie crust.

Put fruit in the middle. (I used raspberries, blueberries and nectarines in the one pictured.

Fold up edges.

Brush dough with egg wash.

Sprinkle with sugar, and a bit of cinnamon.

Bake until crust is golden brown.

Serve with ice cream (or, because it's Italian, serve with gelato) and a Giada-sized smile, because you did it, bitch! Don't forget the cleavage.

Things I Love Right Now

2011-06-29T08:09:00.034-04:00

Awesome mini-series from PBS. You'll be hooked!

The best online magazine I've found: Matchstick Magazine

I really loved this show, but it got cancelled a few years ago. I recently discovered it on hulu.com!

Great pep talk.

modcloth.com

Best door sign ever.

Bern, Switzerland. Must visit.

Amen.

I could spend all day here.

houzz.com

We had a set of these bowls back in the day, and this picture takes me back to my childhood.

No words.

My Morning Run In Pictures

2011-06-20T09:11:00.013-04:00

I just can't get over how beautiful it is here in Connecticut. The harsh winter was worth it, in my opinion. I decided to take some pictures of my morning run, so when I feel like enjoying the views, I can just look at the pictures I took, and burn the 800 calories another day.

HOME!!

Insider Trading Tip

2011-06-15T09:32:00.003-04:00

Pssst...

If you own shares of ANY wine stock, sell it NOW, because they're plummeting. Fast!

How do I know this? Well, since June 1, I have taken my weight-loss strategy to extremes by only drinking alcohol ONE NIGHT A WEEK, instead of 8 nights a week. With my lower alcohol consumption, diet and exercise, I've lost 10 pounds, and I'm a mere 6 pounds from my goal. I'm thinking that I'm rocking this plan, so I will continue with my once-a-week-drink(s) until I just can't take it any more. So, sell, sell, sell!

I'll let you know when I hit my goal and before I swan dive, not fall, off the wagon, into a huge barrel of wine. That way, you can buy more shares low and ride that baby like a birthday pony all the way to the bank.

Please Don't.

2011-06-10T16:32:00.007-04:00

It's time for a rant. I can't help myself.

For the love of ugly private parts covered by underpants, quit taking grainy-cell phone pictures of your junk and hitting the send button!! I'm a firm believer that God hit us with the ugly stick in between the legs. Actually, I think God hit Adam with the ugly stick between the legs, then Adam hit Eve with his ugly stick between the legs. Enter fig leaves, togas and Speedos.

I am so sick of turning on the Today Show every day, only to immediately change it to the Disney channel because they are STILL talking about Weinergate, and I don't want my kids to get any ideas that this is what we do when we grow up. Don't try this at home, kids. None of this amateur business. We watch professional porn.

I want to know what man got the bright idea: I really want to show this chick how much I'm into her. I think I'll send her a picture of my cocknballs to show her what a man I am! SHE'LL LOVE IT! Um, no. However, the concept spread like wildfire, and it's now making it's rounds with celebrities and politicians in national news. Ann Curry must be thrilled as the new co-anchor... she patiently waited 14 long years to talk about sexting on the Today Show.

I blame that whore Samantha Jones from Sex and the City for all this. If she wasn't so ding-aling-struck, then men wouldn't be led to believe that women really do love the site of a penis, on their cellphone, while at work in the middle of the day. I can name about 3.5 million other things I would rather see a picture of.

Look, I'm no prude, but there's a time and a place. Save that thang for the bedroom.

This is Why I Hate My Name

2011-05-26T08:32:00.002-04:00

When I read, I can't help but spot my name. I'm just a super-smart reader like that. I was perusing the news yesterday, and came across this article, with the quote:

"... I'm delighted to help spread some joy with the Oscar Mayer brand by CHRISTENing the first-ever Wienermobile Food Truck..."

I was hoping to get through this life without being associated with the Wienermobile. Karma's a bitch, huh?

A Big Thanks...

2011-05-26T08:04:00.003-04:00

...to the USDA! While they're not busy signing autographs for their role in the documentary, Food Inc., they are confirming what chefs and serious home cooks have known for some time:

The USDA has lowered the recommended safe cooking temperature for whole cuts of pork from 160 °F to 145 °F!

So now all y'all can stop drying out ya pork, and finally cook and eat it the way it was meant to be done!!

This pig's happy about it:

Goodbye, Oprah!

2011-05-25T08:10:00.002-04:00

What a day for the history books. Oprah's last show. EVER. I can't tell you how happy I am that I no longer have to live through the torment of Oprah's Favorite Things and her Christian Louboutin collection being rubbed in my face. See ya!

I don't think this will really be the last show. Here's my timeline:

1 week: she won't know what to do without a camera in her face.

2 weeks: she'll really start to miss all of the attention.

3 weeks: she's going through bring-your-lunch-to-work withdrawls.

1 month: THE SHOW IS BAAAAAACK! 2 reasons: The world clock was threatening to take out the 4 o'clock hour, because without the Oprah show, who needs it? Also, as a World War 3 preventative due to crazy Oprah fans threatening to stop taking their anti-depressants. We all know, when mama ain't happy, NOBODY'S happy.

We'll just see how it goes, and y'all can tell me I was right later.

Anyway, in honor of Oprah's last show EVER!, I present the Oprah drinking game. Here's how it works:

Make some Moscow Mules* (Oprah's FAVORITE cocktail)

Tune in to the show today at 4pm.

Drink every single time Oprah says "I" or "me".

*Disclosure: Go a little light on the vodka, and heaven forbid, do not try playing this game with shots of any kind of alcohol. You'll end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, or, if your glass is half full, you'll end up in the Guiness Book of World Records for most alcohol consumed in 60 minutes.

Pinchin' Pennies

2011-05-23T12:55:00.012-04:00

Everyone is on a budget these days... I don't care who you are. Even my neighbors living in $5 million dollar houses are on a budget. Granted, my monthly budget is probably equivalent to their weekly budget, but whatever. Unless you're Oprah (or Gayle), the smart thing to do is watch what you spend and SAVE your money for important things, like HBO and a housekeeper. Oh yeah, and retirement. Maybe.

(Side note to my children, Noah and Elle: Speaking of budgets, you can bet yours that mom and dad won't be buying you a brand-new car when you turn 16, but we will help you get a shiny, new, after-school job, which you will balance with school, just like I did. Our goal as parents isn't to raise the valedictorian or star athlete, (it would be nice, though) but to raise you as smart, well-rounded children so that you can support yourselves, truly appreciate what you have and make smart decisions about money, so you don't have to waste your time (time is money) asking mom & dad and getting shot down. If you happen to find a sugar mama/daddy when you're 16 to buy you the new car and whatever else your heart desires, then that will be fine too, and our contract will be null & void.)

In my quest to save a few bucks here and there, I came across an article on Yahoo! titled: "First Person: How We're Planning to Save More Than $12,000 This Summer", and it's the biggest crock of shit I'd ever read. I'm reading through this article, thinking, "Did Oprah write this crap?" Whomever she is, she's a dumb-dumb. I have done the hard work and copied and pasted it here for you to read:

*********************************

How do you explain to your kid that he can't have a summer vacation because of inflation? Instead, my family and I looked for meaningful ways to save on our summer activities. By doing some of the work ourselves, looking at money more rationally, and committing to stuff, not fluff, we plan to save $12,975 in summer 2011.

Summer entertaining

Garden parties, barbecues, and family reunions make summer special. To keep our menus rich while saving money, my sister and I agreed to serve ground beef instead of steak at all 10 of our family get-togethers. In this way, we plan to spend $1.50 per person on meat instead of $15, for total savings of $1,350 this summer.

Summer vacation

To save on airfare and rising fuel prices, we searched the Internet for a local venue that would make a good vacation site. We chose Mount Baker, located 30 minutes from our home. We plan to pitch a tent, camp for a week, fish, hike, play guitar, and listen to audio books by the campfire. Instead of our usual $5,000 vacation allowance, we plan to spend $400, thus saving $4,600.

Painting the house

Every year we hire student painters to refresh the exterior paint to keep our home looking pristine and to protect the wood siding. Our neighbors, on the other hand, paint their homes every five years. To save money this summer, we've decided to paint the trim around the windows and doors only and to do the work ourselves. That will save us $1,500 this summer.

Garden landscaping

In summer, we typically hire an arborist to trim our trees, spray them against parasites, and feed the roots. We also hire landscapers to edge the lawn, mulch the yard, and plant perennials. This year we plan to do the work ourselves and to borrow tools from our neighbors. We also intend to mulch the flowerbeds and give up on perennials. In this way, we intend to save $625.

Summer clothing

Every year we shop for clothes by inspiration, walking through the mall and picking out a new bathing suit, dress, T-shirt. This year, we will each get a small summer-clothing budget, which will force us to shop at outlets or secondhand stores. This step will help us save $1,400.

Summer remodeling

Because of dropping home values, this year we will not go ahead with the deck remodel we were planning. Instead, we will patch the old wood with wood putty and prime and will paint it once more to protect against water damage. In this way, we will save $3,500.

*****************************************************

What. The. Hell? 10 family get-togethers in one summer? I'd sooner soak in a marinade bath, slather myself in some Sweet Baby Ray's, throw myself on the hot grill and not flip over half way through than deal with that. I'm just kidding, I love my family. Mwah!

Although, I'm confused about the ground beef: does the $1.50 per person include a bun to make that bitch a HAMBURGER? This broad could save a couple extra grand on booze by taking their leftovers and making prison wine. Paired with generic Xanax, it would make a beautiful cocktail.

All kidding aside, I have so much more to say, but I'm going to let some of the shining stars that wrote some great comments have the stage today. The comments were the best part!!

William said: "How about selling some of what you are smokin', lady? Then you can afford all of this Unicorn Dust you are passing up this summer!"

Jeff said: "So how goes trimming your own bush?"

Sandy said: "OMG - HAMBURGER? How could they make their family eat HAMBURGER?????"

Anon said: "By taking the AC unit off the dog house, we were able to save 300 dollars this summer!"

I Can't Help Myself

2011-05-21T10:09:00.004-04:00

Since today is the end of the world...

Below is yesterday's "Caption This" contest picture from Dlisted.com (my other bible):

I'm pretty sure she's dressed up as a pig, which made me think of this:

Which then possessed me to do this:

Living Under a Rock

2011-05-21T05:49:00.011-04:00

I didn't get the memo that the world was ending today until last night, and I feel so cheated.

I've got this cute bag coming in the mail that's been on backorder since my husband ordered it for my birthday!

WHY?!

I've only been able to wear my cute Tory Burch flip-flops that I found on sale ONE TIME!! WTF?! I can't take them with me... they'll melt in hell! (According to this crazy mofo, 98% of the human population will be going to hell, and I'm 98% sure I'll be one of them.)

A few days ago, I made an appointment at the salon to get waxed, rubbed and painted today. I normally get a modest, pale pink polish on my nails, but since this is my last day on Earth, I think I'll opt for the "Ghet-Toes", and a pretty Vadazzle after my bikini wax. (I'm not putting a picture of a Vadazzled va-jay-jay on my blog. I have class. You'll have to google that one.)

Look at those beautiful toes. Like a sexy cheetah (maybe cougar??), or Sid, the sloth from Ice Age: the Movie:

Today is the day to LIVE IT UP, people!! Go bungee-jumping! Reconnect with estranged family and pets! Get a tattoo! Have champagne for breakfast! Don't wear any underwear! Write that status update on Facebook that you know will make everyone say, "Ohnoshedinnit"! (On second thought, maybe not the facebook status, just incase the world doesn't end. We don't want you to end up on Lamebook.com.)

Happy Last Day of the World! See you on the flip side!

An Average Weekday Morning

2011-05-19T12:13:00.004-04:00

Somebody woke me up!!!

The husband shits/showers/shaves a.k.a. Non-existant.
Crying baby.
Clingy baby.
Whining kindergartner.
Dirty diaper.
2 different breakfasts.
Pack lunch.
Pack snacks.
Tears.
Battle to put the kid's clothes on.
Battle to put the kid's shoes on.
Brush my teeth? Today might be the day.
Change out of mama's pajamas? 1 out of 5 chance.
Pack backpack.
Search for library book.
Today Show? Never.
Coffee? When I'm lucky.
More tears.
Look for Lego man's missing hat.
Wipe faces.
Tend to cowlicks.
Train's coming! Get kiss from husband.
Thank husband for "helping".
Pile kids in the car.
Tears and whining at the busstop.
Bus comes.

Thank you, Lord.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Bottles Up

2011-05-18T09:27:00.007-04:00

Blonde hair and black eyebrows.

Socks and sandals.

Dranking and dieting.

What do these things have in common? THEY JUST DON'T MIX!

I have been trying to eat sensibly and still enjoy cocktail hour every day, and it ain't working. I'm not stupid... I know alcohol has calories, and if I didn't enjoy the taste of wine so much, I'd look into getting it intravenously. It just so happens that in the midst of my dilemma, I caught word that Jim Beam Co. paid Bethenny Frankel $120 meelion dollars for her Skinny Girl Margarita brand. Holy shit.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I picked up a bottle during my bi-weekly playdate at the liquor store. I let it sit in my fridge for a few days, and finally poured myself a glass. Was it good? Was it bad? It was just OK. The taste was a little salty (I do NOT like salt on my margaritas), and it felt like it was missing something, except for caramel color, which states is added on the bottle. WTF, Bethenny? Bottom line: it did the job, and it would be refreshing during driveway happy hour.

I know, I know...

2011-05-16T14:24:00.002-04:00

... I done went M.I.A. on y'all.

The truth is, my mind went M.I.A. on ME! Yep, I lost it back in March, and I just got it back after a lovely vacation and a visit from the in-laws.

So, I'm back, again. Now I just have to get all my stories and rants straight. Stay tuned...

Pole Dancing for Jesus

2011-03-22T18:56:00.008-04:00

Watch this clip from Fox News:

There is so much to say... I don't know where to start.

Would Jesus approve of the lucite heels and shorts so short you're showing ass-cleavage from the bottom (on a Sunday, no less)?

What would Jesus do?

He'd probably slap your face.

If these girls are going to pole dance for Jesus, then they belong in turtlenecks, a vest, pleated pants, wool socks, "Jesus sandals" (a.k.a. Berkinstocks), a gold crucifix around their necks, a WWJD bracelet around their wrists, and a rosary in their hand. If they can't find all that, a Nun's habit will suffice. These pole dances should be done to the tune "Ave Maria".

And the classes take place on Sundays? That's the LORD'S DAY!! That's the day to ask Jesus to forgive all your sins from the wild night before at the strip club, not to practice the craft!

For what it's worth, strippers had officially tainted the pole in the 80's. Attempting to make pole dancing wholesome is like parting the Red Sea; it would be a dadgum miracle.

Listen, girlfriend... we understand, you were a stripper to "pay for college". I'm sure you also gave your fair share of lap dances for groceries, too. But for heaven's sake, stop dragging Jesus into this debauchery right in the middle of Lent.

(If this post doesn't get me into heaven, then I don't know what will.)

Cutest baby video ever!!

2011-03-10T17:10:00.002-05:00

...and a side of delightfulness, please.

2011-03-07T17:20:00.005-05:00

I have a hard time understanding why people have to be so blunt and ugly sometimes, for no reason. Physical traits aside, I'm talking about attitude. I always thought I'd be running around this town with a bunch of biatches, but I've been proven wrong. Almost everyone I've encountered has been pleasant and nice. (There's a few exceptions. These individuals work at the local grocery, and boy, are they GRUMPY!)

Noah got an invite in the mail to a birthday party 2 weeks ago. The mother of the child left her email address to RSVP. I have a lot on my plate, so I was high-fiving myself for responding way before the RSVP cut-off. What can I say? Not only am I a perfectionist, but I'm also procrastinator... hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

Amen.

So, back-patting aside, I got a very bitter taste in my mouth after I read the mama's response to my email. Here is the exact correspondence. (Some names have been changed to protect the birthday girl):

Hi there!

We'd like to RSVP to Havana's birthday party!

Thanks,

Christen (Noah's mom)

And the response (Dun dun dunnnnnn!):

I assume a yes? thanks.

Now most of my friends I have griped to have all said, "So what? Put your effin' big girl panties on and get over it!", but I can't brush this off. I thought her response was RUDE. Let me explain:

1. Cardinal rule of assuming: When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. If you're going to assume, keep it to yourself. I could give a shit about your thoughts... unless they're pleasant! ;)

2. Obviously, I am RSVPing YES to the party. 8 times out of 10, thanks to etiquette these days, most people will not even give you the time of day to decline. If I was replying with a NO, and added a simple "NO" to my response, I would have sounded like a complete tool:

Hi there!

We'd like to RSVP "NO" to Havana's birthday party!

Thanks,

Christen (Noah's mom)

On another note, if I were to decline, I would have used the words "unfortunately" and "sorry" somewhere in the email. Contrary to this blog, I am quite delightful in person. I wouldn't have been so damn jovial and excited about a child's birthday party (See exclamation marks).

3. I just RSVP'ed to your 5 year-old's birthday party. If it was such a big effing deal, then put your phone number down, or mail a response card with the postcard invitations given to you by the place the party is being held.

4. And for god's sake, if you are going to have the balls to let me know that you assume, Miss Manners, that my response is "a yes", then have the decency to use proper grammer. Caps lock is your friend, my friend. A salutation would be nice too, or just a "Hi there!..."

So, email rant aside, I went shopping today for the birthday present (again, wayyyy before usual). I ended up getting a wonderful Play-Doh set, but in the back of my mind, I've been contemplating this beautiful blouse:

Maybe it's because I'm from the south, but a little common courtesy goes a long way. Some jackass honked his horn and passed me the other day, and I smiled at the sonofabitch as I flipped him off. Everyone is in such a hurry up here, and they don't take time to smell the roses.

Anyway... I was RSVPing to your child's birthday party; not a craiglist ad for a prostitute. A simple "Thanks!" would have been great, or, if there was some confusion, "See you next Saturday!", and wait for me to respond, "What don't you understand about 'I'm not coming' in my email don't you understand?"

Celebrating

2011-03-03T09:56:00.012-05:00

This past week has been filled with good times, great company and even better deviled eggs.

It's not a party without deviled eggs, damn it.

On Saturday, we celebrated the one year anniversary of me not being pregnant anymore (a.k.a. Ellie's 1st birthday), and, as usual, my inner Martha Stewart decided to make a cameo, because it's been too long. Instead of ordering all of my food and decorations, I thought I would put my graphic design degree (which I'm still effing paying for!) and creativity to the test and make everydamnthang myself. This idea came the previous week after a few Goose & tonics, and was executed with the help of a few Goose & tonics as well.

We munched on tea sandwiches, salmon cakes and deviled eggs (of course). I made blueberry lemon cupcakes for dessert, while the birthday girl had her own cake.

In the end, Ellie not only had her cake, but a cupcake too.

That's my girl.

Yesterday was the league's monthly "Daytime Gourmet", and we decided to do a Mardi Gras theme. We had hurricane punch, crawfish cakes, shrimp po' boys, gumbo, king cake and I topped it off with bananas foster.

I'm still FULL.

I'm all out of ideas for celebrating this week, but Ash Wednesday is right around the corner!!

It's documentary, my dear Watson

2011-02-21T09:16:00.014-05:00

I'm trying to balance my trash-television addiction with more intellectual choices. Why? So I can sleep at night; so I have something to talk about at parties; so I can feel like I'm growing back the brain cells that I kissed goodbye in the last 30 years. All kidding aside, I actually find those boring shows interesting! (And no, I don't do drugs, I'm not crazy nor am I an uber-nerd.)

After frolicking around outside on Friday without needing a coat (between the hours of 11am and 5 pm), we've been stuck inside again due to high-speed winds, cold temperatures, and whaddya know... more effing snow. We've been spending the long weekend indoors, catching up on documentaries, thanks to Netflix streaming in through the Xbox 360 and the interweb. The following are ones that I really enjoyed and I HIGHLY recommend EVERYONE to watch:

Tapped: The Movie

This documentary explores the world of bottled water, and the impact it has on our environment. There were so many things I didn't know until I watched this. I would write more about the craziness in this film, but I'm scared I'll get sued or mysteriously disappear. I suggest everyone curl up with a warm blanket and a glass of tap water and watch with a loved one.

Freakonomics

I find these types of studies so interesting, it almost makes me want to go back to school to become an economist. Ha, just kidding... math and I don't see eye to eye (seriously, my eyesight is horrible), so I'll just settle with an entertaining view of somebody else's boring research and findings. This really was a great movie, and I can't wait for the sequel!

FREAK-O-NOM-ICS!! FREAK-O-NOM-ICS!!

Watch the preview: (I know what you're thinking: why in the hell is there a sumo wrestler on this preview? Just watch. Oh, and if you would like to see the whole preview, not just three-quarters of it, click on the "Freakonomics" or "Tapped" link above.)

And no shit, Sherlock, I'm going right to Facebook to "Like" these 2 films!! Cheerio!!

An Open Invitation...

2011-02-18T08:48:00.002-05:00

In honor of the heat wave here in Connecticut (The high today is 59... yeah, BABY!), I will be hosting Driveway Happy Hour this afternoon.

What to bring:

-Lawn chair
-Your favorite cocktail, plus a few back-ups
-A little snack
-Your kids (optional)

I will provide the entertainment (me) and the driveway.

Please note:
Although the street and my driveway are all clear, snow is still covering everything else. Feel free to bring your snowboots. On another note, I'm almost positive we'll have some snow/ice meltage from the heat wave, which means WATER! Bring your bathing suit!

Thanks for the pic, drawbuck. You're pretty talented!

M.I.A.

2011-02-17T14:57:00.007-05:00

I know I haven't blogged much lately, but I have a good reason:

Ellie is crawling.

Everywhere.

My freedom is gone, and I now spend every waking "Ellie-minute", (i.e. any time when she's not double-fisting pancakes and bananas, cramming them into her mouth, chasing it all down with diluted apple juice) playing a seemingly innocent game of "Tom and Jerry", "Cops and Robbers" and "Quarterback Sack".

My roll in all these scenarios: Tom (or Jerry?), Cop, and linebacker.

My mission: to stop the chaos and mischief before catastrophe ensues.

You live and you learn, right? So far I have learned that Ellie has an undying love for the step stool in the bathroom and quite the knack for feeling up the printer in the office. She also holds a special place in her heart for any kind of cord (especially if it's plugged into the wall) and no particular species of firewood. Any kind will do.

Happy VD!!

2011-02-14T08:18:00.005-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing my favorite cards with y'all.

Enjoy!

XOXOXOXO -C

Happy BirthMONTH to me!!

2011-02-02T17:27:00.019-05:00

Since I'm turning the big "Dirrrrty Thirrrrrty" this year, I decided that I'm going to celebrate this hellacious number all month long. I deserve it, since I spent my last birthday 45 months pregnant, husband-less (he was travelling for work) and sober. The only thing repeating this year is the husband-less thing, and I'm milking this for all it's worth.

In between my time writing out grocery lists and building the shit out of some Legos, I made a BirthMONTH wishlist, mostly composed of things I will never get, but continue to salivate over, just like Samantha Baker did over Jake Ryan in the movie "Sixteen Candles". (Although she did get him in the end AND got to ride in his Porsche, so maybe there's hope for me!) Without further adieu:

My BirthMONTH Wishlist

By Christen

Not sponsored by anyone

Publix cake. I have expressed my love for this in the past, but being apart for the last 6 months hurts... so, so much.

If someone can figure out how to mail me some, I'll love you forever.

A black BMW X6. I could be driving around in a rainbow paisley turtleneck, with a Cheez-It/banana mixture caked in my hair, sporting some pink-eye and I would look like a total MILF in this car.

Booty Pop. No, this is not a joke. This is a real product, and if I ever met the inventor, I would give him (why wouldn't it be a man?) a great-job-pat-on-the-booty. I would wear it loud and wear it proud! I would refuse to keep my ass out of your business, and shake what my mama didn't give me. I am one of the few that's been blessed with zero ass, and I have to do more squats than you can imagine to make it look somewhat decent, and keep my jeans up. I'd rather just pull on a pair of these and call it a day.

Cartier Tank watch. I look at this one as an investment; that I'll hand down to one of my children. I mean, I would have loved to have this handed down to me as a family heirloom! Unfortunately, my husband and I don't see eye-to-eye on this matter, so it will forever be on the wishlist until the end of time. Pun intended.

Shun Ken Onion 9-inch Serrated Bread Knife. This bitch is so sharp, it'll cut your other piece-of-shit knives in half, while it's still in the box in the back of the UPS truck. One of my coworkers at the restaurant had one, and we fondly referred to it as the "Machete".

ANYTHING from Elizabeth McKay.

And last, but not least...

See this Lego Stormtrooper? You know what he's doing? No, not icing his Lego stud nuts! He's taking a DAY OFF!!

I want a day off from cleaning little boy pee-pee off of the back of the toilet.

I want a day off from the smell of maple syrup that somehow etches itself on to every surface imaginable, and a day off from tracking it down and cleaning it.

I want a day off from the hot water running out too soon when I'm in the shower.

I want to wake up (on my own - not by screaming kids) somewhere luxurous (that's not my home), and be treated with coffee, silence and a light breakfast in bed. Next comes a spa itenerary, customized just for me, followed by a few glorious hours at the beach with a great (not just good) book. Ending the day would be cocktail hour with lots of champagne, leading the way to a fantastic dinner. Finally, I would drift off to sleep and not wake up one-mother-effin'-time.

I would wear this shirt the entire day, just to be clear:

Things I Didn't Know Until This Winter

2011-01-29T10:47:00.014-05:00

So, you learn something new every day, huh? That not only holds true for me, but learning the hard way does too.

Here are a few of my DOH! moments:

Snowbanks are equivalent to brick walls. Do not attempt to run over or graze unless you have a backhoe loader. Or a reason to eff your car up.

Really high snowbanks (which are EVERYWHERE here) makes it seem like you're driving down a very narrow hallway, not a street. Avoid at all costs if you are claustrophopic.

The sun comes up and melts the snow. The sun goes down and the melted snow turns to ice. Repeat every damn day. Add more snow every third day.

Pedicures are seasonal here. I haven't had one in months, since I couldn't imagine walking out of the nail place wearing flip-flops in sub-zero temperatures, and the fact that I only see my bare feet in the shower.

Always make sure the flue is open in the fireplace before lighting a fire.

Once the flue is open, it really is possible to start one hell of a fire without lighter fluid.

I never thought I would consider 40 degrees "warm". I can't wait to see that number again.

I moved here a few months ago, and this winter just happens to have record-breaking snowfall, of ALL TIME. There's still 2 months of winter left.

There's still 2 months of winter left. That means this list will more than likely get longer.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

2011-01-27T09:40:00.004-05:00

Not really... I've had 2 kids for crying out loud! I'll just leave that to Justin Timberlake.

It's been more than 3 months since I've been able to strap Ellie in the stroller and run outside, and I've never felt such a strong urge for comfort food, so I've pretty much put Operation Quit-Being-a-Fatass on hold.

Until this week.

As much as I love to cook, I love to eat even more. Throw some crispy chicken skin, wine and anything cooked with bacon together with becoming a little too close with my house (i.e. not leaving it), and we have a recipe for Fatass. I have mastered it. So instead of just having 10 pounds left to lose, I now have 15.

This past weekend was a turning point for me. After crying on the floor of my closet surrounded by jeans that were just too tight (ok, it wasn't that emotional), I decided to forge on with the Operation.

Since I am literally trapped in my home (thanks to all the meterologists out there that prayed for extreme weather to keep them in a job), I've been doing workouts from Exercise TV through my OnDemand. They are kicking my ass, literally. I can't walk up the stairs or sit on the toilet without shrieking in pain.

I've paired my exercise with clean eating and drinking so much water, that I've actually considered buying some Depends and just saying "Eff it" sometimes.

It's paying off... I've lost 6 pounds since Monday, and I haven't been hungry or had one sugar craving. Granted, the pounds I've lost is probably just water weight, but my jeans are fitting again, so I'm not complaining. For all you health nuts out there who can't give a high-five and say, "it takes time to put it on an it takes time to take it off" (I'm sure strippers disagree), I will admit my diet is a little extreme right now, but I'll be adding in more calories in a few weeks, so don't send me hate mail.

I can do this. I've done it before.

I just have to keep telling myself that as I choke down my oatmeal and zucchini.

If you're interested in my menu, leave me a comment. I just might post it. :)

Question of the Day

2011-01-25T11:04:00.004-05:00

Why do gray hairs grow 568 times faster than non-gray hairs?

My Very Own New York Minute

2011-01-23T09:43:00.005-05:00

5:15p: Start walking to the train station. I don't care how cold I am... I'm FREE!!!

5:28p: Board the train to Grand Central Station

5:32p: Listening to the guy behind me on the phone telling one of his "homies" that "drugs ain't cool anymore, and dealin' ain't cool like it was back in the '70's and '80's. Havin' a job and a family is what it's all about now."

5:55p: Same guy still talking, but now with his wife: "What? I ain't supposed to have no life? I'm just 'posed to work all day and come home to your ass? Let me ask you somethin'... just what do you do all day, sittin' up in that apartment every day?" Leave me the hell alone, bitch."

6:40p: My buddy that's been on the phone THE WHOLE TIME between his "homies" and "the wife", finally gets off at the Harlem station. Peace and quiet for the last 5 minutes of my train ride.

6:45p: Grand Central Station, NYC, baby! Adam meets me at the top of the ramp and literally drags me up 45th. (Think: an osterich walking and holding hands with a midget.)

7:10p: Enter bar #1. Great time starts NOW!

8:30p: Leave bar #1 and walk a few blocks to bar #2.

10:00p: Great time ends NOW! Get dragged out of bar #2 to Grand Central Station.

10:20p: Board train. Wave bye-bye to the city I don't think I even saw; like it was all just a dream.

11:30p: Arrive home. Pay the babysitter in left kidneys from our family of four.

And that, my friends, is a New York Minute.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

2011-01-18T10:26:00.010-05:00

Lord, help me. School has been cancelled AGAIN due to freezing rain and ice, and it has been 5 long days since Noah has been to school (thanks to a teacher planning day and MLK day).

I am going bat-shit crazy.

I think it was a sign that I got an email from JetBlue this morning, announcing their big sale. We have lots of points (thanks to Adam being M.I.A. during my whole pregnancy last year), so it's time to book a vacation out of hell and in to paradise, baby!!

Our plan (which nobody knows yet): Fly to Tampa, drop the kids off with the grandparents, and drive on down to Marco Island for a few days of rest and relaxation.

A few years ago, Adam and I found this beautiful boutique hotel on the beach. We booked at a great time when the rates were rediculously low and nobody was around. It was like we had the whole place to ourselves! The hotel is called Marco Beach Ocean Resort, and there is not a bad thing to say about the place. It was truly the best hotel I've ever stayed in. Here's a few pictures:

Guest room

The fantastic restaurant, Sale Pepe

The lobby

View from guest room

Ahhhh, the pool!

Ahhhh, the beach! (No, that's not me)

The boardwalk (No, that's not us)

Not only is the hotel awesome, but there's a great hole-in-the-wall restaurant called The Snook Inn that has the BEST grouper sandwiches and boat drinks around.

There's also loads of boats available to charter. You can go offshore, or backcountry fishing, with or without a guide. I've got a big 'ol snapper calling my name, and the Snook Inn will cook your catch for you.

I can't wait for this trip!

Gone fishin'

2011-01-17T16:35:00.002-05:00

Me: Noah, what should we have for dinner?

Noah: How about green beans and mashed potatoes?

Me: Well, we need a meat to go with it.

Noah: How about fish? You can make fish cakes!

Me: But I don't have any fish, Noah.

Noah: Well then you need to go fishing and catch some, Mommy.

Me: OK, Noah, I'll get right on that.

Noah: Great! Well, hurry up and go so we can eat already!

Comfort Food

2011-01-17T07:41:00.004-05:00

I (meaning my belly) never really understood the importance of comfort food until I got trapped in my house for the winter this year. Exercising has been put on hold since the world has frozen over, so I'm happy to just stay inside to cook and eat.

Since my belly is nice and full, I'm in a generous mood to share my chicken & dumplings recipe. This is the "from scratch" version. You'll have a few cups of stock left over, which I freeze and use for other recipes.

Read through the recipe, and if you're just not up to making your stock from scratch, then check out my shortcuts at the end. This is my version of stock because it's what I had in my fridge yesterday. If you don't have fresh thyme and parsley, it's ok. It's not going to make or break the flavor.

Chicken & Dumplings

Chicken stock:
1 3-lb chicken
1 small onion, quartered
2 carrots, chunked
2 celery stalks, with leaves, chunked
2 sprigs thyme
small handful flat-leaf parsley
few dashes garlic powder
few dashes ground red pepper
1 teaspoon chicken bouillon granules (optional)
6 peppercorns
1 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoon butter
3 Tablespoon flour
1/8 teaspoon paprika
1/2 cup half & halk
pepper to taste
Dumplings (recipe follows)

Place chicken in large dutch oven, cover with water and add next 10 ingredients. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low, and simmer for an hour. Remove chicken from broth; when cool, remove meat from the bones and shred the meat. Skim fat from broth, strain and reserve 2.5 cups. Freeze the rest. ;)

Melt butter in dutch oven over medium heat; stir in flour mixed with paprika. Add chicken stock gradually, stirring until thickened. Reduce heat, add half & half; season with pepper to taste. Add chicken; heat until mixture is slowly bubbling.

Prepare dumpling pastry. Dip teaspoon in cold water, then into dumpling pastry. Spoon onto chicken mixture about 1/2 teaspoon at a time, pressing some of the dumplings down into the pot with the back of a spoon. Cook, covered, over low heat for 15 minutes without lifting lid.

Dumplings:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon Crisco
1 teaspoon solid bacon drippings
1/2 cup milk

Stir dry ingredients together in large bowl. Cut in fats with a pastry blender (or 2 butter knives) until mixture is crumbly. Add milk, stirring until dry ingredients are moistened. If too dry, add 1 tsp more milk. Mixture should be the consistancy of biscuit dough.

Shortcuts:
-use leftover chicken (about 3 cups) and store-bought chicken stock or chicken broth.
-For the dumplings, substitute Bisquick for the dry ingredients (except the poultry seasoning).

Christen's favorite things - Winter edition

2011-01-14T11:12:00.007-05:00

These are a few of the things that I LOVE, and decided to share my loves with y'all. Unfortunately, I don't have companies throwing their products on me to give away, like Oprah, so you have to go buy all this stuff yourself. Don't worry, nothing on this list is more than $80!

OK, first up, the CROCKPOT!! I got this as a wedding gift and never truly appreciated it until a few years ago. I love to make all kinds of beans in it (15 bean soup, black-eyed peas, lima beans), and Adam will make chicken taco soup every once in a while. Not only is it convienient, but since we run on gas up here, running the oven or the stove for a few hours can be costly, so we'd rather use the electricity instead.

Ahhhh, champagne! And good champagne that won't leave you with a nasty hangover in the morning! Enter Veuve Clicquot. It's my favorite and it makes me happy. Very happy.

Since hanging outside isn't an option for me, I lay by the fireplace and read. I've recently read Wendy Walker's 2 novels, which practically take place in my backyard. The books are full of scandal and I love the characters. I keep wondering if any of these people live in my neighborhood...

I have never experienced dry hands like I have this winter. I found this handcream at a local pharmacy, and it's AWESOME. Non-greasy and light, but does the job. I love this stuff!

I use Softlips 45 times a day, every day of the year, but it's really great in the winter too.

Vellux blankets. The BEST blanket ever. OK, it's not as luxurious as cashmere, but this sucker is so warm!

My man-slippers from Target. I wear them every day, and sometimes even to the grocery store!

Listen, this is the BEST coffee I have ever tasted. We buy the big bag from Costco. I don't care for Starbucks coffee because I think it tastes burnt and bitter. Yuck.

These Unisa boots have been so good to me. I love them. Leather on the bottom and nylon on the top, they are great for the winter, and they are so comfortable!!

So, that's my list. Now go getcha some.

Miss I'm-Too-Little-For-This-Junk

2011-01-13T20:17:00.016-05:00

As I was perusing my usual gossip trash after dinner, I came across this clip from the TLC show "Toddlers & Tiaras". This poor toddler is getting her eyebrows ripped out, all in the name of "Lil' Beauty Queen", or whatever the hell they call them after their mommies spend hundreds of dollars on bedazzled outfits and rip their babysoft skin off with hot wax:

I've kept my big mouth shut on this topic, because, to each his own, and it's not my business. If you want to dress your kid up in a monkey costume and galavant him down the street for dollar bills, y'all, well... that ain't my problem. At the most, I'll give you the side eye, a shake of the head and maybe a booklet with a list of classes for the local Learning Annex so you can GET A LIFE and stop acting like a pimp.

Beauty pageants are a way of life in the South, but here's how I look at it...

If your daughter can't lace up her own strappy sandals, then maybe you should wait until she's 9 or 10 and can make the decision for herself. Better yet, make her hold out until she's a teenager. That's when the rest of us start wearing obscene amounts of make-up and dressing like hookers. Just let nature take it's course. Why rush it?

I don't get the premise of wasting 2 months rent on a dress for Miss Thang to wear in the talent portion of the pageant. How about socking those hard-earned overtime wages into a college fund, or savings account? I'll bet those pageant moms have spent more money on make-up for their toddlers than I've spent in a half of a lifetime. For what? A crown that's 3 times taller than their precious mini-Taylor Swift?

Toddlers don't belong in Madonna's cone bustier (see exhibit A), dressed as a showgirl (see Exhibit B) or even ATTEMPTING to give Malibu Barbie a run for her money (Oh no she dinnit! See exhibit C):

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

See Malibu Barbie wannabe? She looks OLDER than Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta (See exhibit D):

YIKES.

Mama's, just let your babies grow up to be kids. Let's keep the fake tans, fake lashes, fake hair and fake boobies for the Jersey Shore. That trainwreck of a show is so wrong on so many levels, but at least they're out of high school...

Noah-ism

2011-01-13T09:19:00.004-05:00

Noah walked out of the bathroom this morning and announced:

"Whew! That was a GOOD one!"

High-five, kid... but only after you wash your hands.

Snow miserable!

2011-01-12T13:35:00.016-05:00

I don't want to hear "Told ya so!"

I am slowly breaking. I was so damn tired of the heat, humidity and white trash reputation Florida is famous for, I couldn't wait to get the hell out of hell. Now I feel like hell has followed me, but has frozen over.

I was excited to experience all 4 seasons, and up until a few days ago, I have loved it, but damn, I can't remember the last time I saw the ground. The day after Christmas, maybe? Going this long without seeing green is not normal. For the last few weeks, it's been white, wet, icy and colder than a whore's heart outside.

I'm not a big hiker or nature-lover so I don't need to be outside, but what's the saying? I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios. There's no social drinking outdoors in the dead of winter, unless you're standing around a bonfire, or a fire in a trashcan, which is frowned upon up here. Dranking outside is not overrated. I miss it. Don't take it for granted.

Maybe I feel so bitter because today is a snow day, and while all the kids are rejoicing and playing in the snow until they're blue, Noah refuses to go outside. He would rather stay inside and annoy the shit out of me with whiny requests for his Nintendo DS (which is on permanent suspension until further notice).

I guess the bottom line is that whether I like it or not, I'm a Florida girl. Good 'ol sand belongs in between my toes and in the crotch of my bathing suit, not snow. Mark my words, I will be planning a trip back to the real hell, real soon.

Homegoods

2011-01-11T09:23:00.006-05:00

Ahhhhh, my own personal heaven. We had one where I used to live, but in my new town, we have the MOTHER of all Homegoods. It's huge. I could spend hours walking up and down every aisle. I always take Ellie with me - she is a FABULOUS shopping buddy. She gives toothy grins to strangers, snacks on crackers and occasionally gnaws on the shopping cart handle, always without a complaint.

During one of my first visits to the new local Homegoods, I came across a giant cheese grater. Like, 3 feet tall. Talk about random-shit-you-find-in-the-rich-people-Homegoods! I had Ellie pose next to it in her carrier as I took a picture:

Now who in their right mind would pay $99 for a giant cheese grater? I know I live in the land where it looks like money grows on trees, but I don't think there's a kitchen BIG enough to make this look like a good accessory.

And what if you actually tried to grate some cheddar on this bitch? Forget grating the tippy top of your fingernail off... say goodbye to your entire arm! You see one of your girlfriends struggling to push her cart in the grocery store, with the entire right side of her body bandaged up. You ask her what happened, she shrugs and replies, "Oh, just a little accident with my cheese grater. No biggie."

The funny thing is, I went back a week later and it was GONE. Some yahoo probably had my idea to buy the giant grater and bust it out at a classy party during the game Truth or Dare:

"I dare you to grate the carrot down to the nub!"

You say "Database", I say "Boring!"

2011-01-10T11:44:00.008-05:00

In honor of our 7-year anniversary, I decided to share with everyone a typical conversation between my husband and I, when it comes to his work. It starts with the simple question, "How was your day?" Sometimes the response is vague, or just a simple "good". Sometimes I'm not so lucky. I know all of the other "work wives" in his company can relate. Please just know that we are ALL suffering.

And now, I present to you, the 2nd world premiere of A Typical Conversation:
An IT developer and his non-IT wife attempt to have a conversation

Written, directed and produced by: Christen :)

Sentimental Saturday

2011-01-08T09:28:00.004-05:00

Y'all don't get to used to posts like this. My horomones have overruled, so I must write about the beauty of snow.

It has taken me 29 long years to finally see it, and it was everything I thought it would be. I love looking out the window and watching it fall. Each flake has a purpose in life, settling into it's new home on the ground, waiting for that special moment for that dog to come by and ruin it's purity.

I took a few pictures this morning to share with y'all. To get the most out of this experience, I selected a song that complements the pictures nicely. Trust me. When you're done looking at the pictures, replay the music and watch the video. It's awesome. Enjoy.

Hot Birthday Hooker of the Day

2011-01-07T10:43:00.003-05:00

She's my best friend, Noah's Godmother and my old-school partner-in-crime... Angela!!

Happy Birthday!! XOXOXO

IKEA: You so dirrrty...

2011-01-07T08:12:00.003-05:00

...and I LOVE IT! We took a trip to Ikea a while back, and Noah wanted us to buy these finger puppets for Ellie. The Swedish name made me do a double take. Don't see it? Say it outloud really fast.

Thanks, Ikea! We all won with this purchase.

Resolutions

2011-01-06T13:42:00.009-05:00

So, it's a new year, and time for some new resolutions (or old ones that you can't quite follow through with)!

I typically don't make them because I feel like a piece of doody when I break them, but this year I thought I'd challenge myself.

I'm not doing the usual work-out-5-days-a-week-quit-drinking-and-smile-at-the-sons-of-bitches resolutions. No ma'am. I'm going for more of a to-do list approach:

Resolution #1: Make the beds every damn day. All 2 of them.
This is a tough one for me. I don't know why I can't manage to make this a habit. Maybe because my early mornings are complete chaos. When it all settles down, I'd rather DVR-up Chelsea Lately, catch my breath and forget about life for a while (is that a song?). Then I clean something, or run errands. By the time I think about the beds again, it's early afternoon, and what's the point by then?

Resolution #2: Spend more quality time with Noah.
I know this sounds silly. Why is this a resolution? See the post My Little "Man". He makes playing a board game or arts & crafts extremely difficult sometimes. Think deep breaths and a glass of wine (for me, not him). Sometimes it's just easier to let him play his Nintendo DS and leave him be until he needs some lukewarm apple juice, or help wiping his butt.

Resolution #3: Find a babysitter and HIRE THAT BITCH!!
I have been living in this artic tundra for 4 months now, and have yet to find a sitter. I just want to get my eyebrows waxed, walk into the liquor store without getting the side-eye, and go out on a date night and cut loose with my hubby. Just 2 weeks ago, I went out to dinner for the 2nd time since moving here, sans children. That is ludicrous, and I refuse to live like that any longer!

I am sticking to these babies, and I WILL NOT FAIL. Kiss it, new year.

Coupon mania!!

2011-01-05T10:02:00.007-05:00

I clip coupons, like a lot of Americans. Why pay full price for your groceries? I usually save about $50 on a $180 grocery trip, and that is pretty good in my book. We eat really well, too... no canned soup or plain ol' spaghetti for dinner in this house. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but since I stay home now, love to cook and really love to eat, I don't skimp on dinner.

I came across a show on TLC called "Extreme Couponing", and holy shit, these people don't mess around! After spending 70 hours of research (in a week) and $70 on coupons (this chick pays someone to clip them for her), she walked out of the store paying $50 for $1200 worth of groceries. She said the satisfaction is like climbing to the top of a mountain. Really? What in the hell is she going to do with 200 boxes of pasta? 150 candy bars? Get really effing fat, if you ask me. I'm no Mensa member, but even I know that canned goods expire. They'd have to eat a box of pasta every other day, for crying out loud!

How about dumpster-diving for coupons? A real cute girl does it with her son and her pregnant friend, just so she can stock up on 80 bottles of apple juice and 40 jars of spaghetti sauce, and other crap that they are forced to eat in rotation to keep it from expiring. Gross.

In my opinion, these gals spend countless hours with their obsession. Sure, they save money and get food for free, but they could save themselves the headache, time away from their families, extra storage space, and the monotony of eating the same shit every day, just by toning it back a little. They could at least donate some of it to charity, instead of looking at all the pretty rows of their booty, as if it were a trophy.

I think it's common sense to only buy the products you use or need. What's the point of buying 1-ply toilet paper just because it cost you a whole nickel, and your ass crack clearly won't accept anything less than 2-ply? It's just going to take up space and collect dust, but hey, you only paid a nickel for it! SCORE?!

Quote of the day

2010-12-20T12:40:00.002-05:00

"I only drink Champagne when I'm happy, and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company, I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I am not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it - unless I'm thirsty."

--Lily Bollinger

Watch the melons, pass the nuts...

2010-11-15T10:21:00.002-05:00

Of the 3 non-interrupted minutes I caught of the Today Show this morning (all thanks to Noah harrassing his father), I got to see one of the big stories of the day: air travellers complaining about the new security measures at the airport. Some say it's an invasion of privacy, some say it's too much. I say to them, SHUT IT. I have been stewing over this for the last 3 hours, and since I'm all about my freedom of speech (because I know I'm right), here's my take on it:

First of all, at most airports, you have to walk into a canister and get x-rayed. Unless you're hiding something, whether it's 14 Snickers bars to binge on in the airplane lavatory, or a bomb in your underpants to blow up the plane, I don't see what the big deal is. It's for everyone's SAFETY. Personally, I could care less if a professional x-ray-body-cavity-browser checks out my goods, gives the ok, and sends me on my way. That's a lot more forgiving than standing in that 3-way mirror on the show What Not to Wear. Airport security is checking for suspicious material. They could care less about your spare tire, thunder thighs, or man-boobs.

So, don't want airport security to have a look-see in your anonomous ass crack? Do you prefer a more "hands-on" approach? Then you can opt for a public display front-handed body search. They check everything, even between and under the boobs, and a little shuffling around downtown. Again, I wouldn't mind this... what's so wrong with getting a little action before you board your flight? Regardless of the same sex protocol, the good Lord gave you an imagination... so use it.

If you have a problem with these safety procedures, then don't fly. Don't bitch and moan about invasion of privacy. Do you really think that poor security officer likes juggling other men's junk all day long? Ok, don't answer that. Unfortunately, these security measures are neccessary this day and age, so you can either grin and bear it, frown and enjoy it, or find another mode of transportation.

I would rather get on a plane knowing that every single person on board went through the same security measures I did, and knowing that none of us have a bomb in our underpants. I just wish I knew which passenger was smuggling the 14 Snickers Bars and make 'em share with me.

Quote of the day

2010-11-03T10:27:00.002-04:00

"Listen, I would never put Kool-Ade, candied yams, peppermint candy, pancake syrup, you know, none of those things, in my vajayjay. That's cra-zay."

-Nene Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta

Hurry up, Halloween!

2010-10-27T12:24:00.002-04:00

This will be my first Halloween where I won't be sweating my ass off and swatting mosquitoes, and I am so excited. Not quite pee-myself-excited, but excited enough to really be in the spirit this year.

The kids have their costumes, the house is somewhat festive, and I'm even hosting a cupcake-decorating party this weekend. Mmmmm, cupcakes. Ooooh, and the trick-or-treat candy, that I feel obligated to eat, because the candy is a gift. I know they're not technically gifts to me, since I'm stealing the candy from Noah, but it was a gift to him, and since I'm his mother, I'm grandfathered in. Catch my drift?

So, I'd like to give a shout-out to the cavity and the 5 pounds I'll be happily gaining this next week.

A lesson in tantrums

2010-10-21T08:40:00.013-04:00

Every morning when my eyes first pop open (never in their own free will), I give myself 2.5 seconds to mentally prepare myself for the morning. It's usually pandemonium, and any mother with at least one child in school can vouch for me on this one. My typical morning consists of breakfast demands, mad searches for library books, wiping butts, and a little obnoxious harmonica serenading while I'm trying to catch the effing weather report. But no morning is complete without at least 1 tantrum before we get out the door.

This morning, my grumpy "little man" was having a meltdown because after he finally decided on what pants to wear, the ones he put on were a little loose, and needed to be cinched in the waist. I asked him to please hold on a minute while I rinsed toothpaste out of my mouth... and commence the crumbling of the world, NOW!

As happy I was that this tantrum was not happening in public, and as annoyed as we both were, I wanted him to know that I have been there! I have wanted to scream and cry, out of frustration and humiliation! I wanted to sit down and tell him a little story about something that happened to me, just last week...

I arrived at my league meeting at 7:30 sharp, but apparently I was early, because there were only 3 of us there, and the chairs still needed to be set up. By the way, can somebody please tell me when in the hell "on time" became the new "early", and if you show up "late", then you're "on time"? I know, I just confused myself.

So, I saw a freshly opened bottle of cabernet waving it's arms at me (one of the perks of being "early"), so I poured myself a fancy, plastic glass, slapped my name tag on, and helped set the chairs up. The other women quickly began trickling in, and we all socialized and snacked while we waited for the meeting to come to order.

During the last few minutes of the meeting, I glanced down at my name tag, above my right breast for the first time in 2 hours (I know what you're thinking... I have a great rack! How could I have possibly gone 2 whole hours without admiring myself?!), and noticed right beside my name tag, 3, rather large, red wine splatters on my WHITE cardigan!!! My FAVORITE white cardigan!!! Before I could have a meltdown about that, I realized that no, I don't have a hole in my lip, but the splatters must have happened while I was setting up the chairs. I had no doubt that I could hold a full glass and sling chairs at the same time, but alas, sometimes we don't hold the super powers that we thought. So, I had just gone through the entire cocktail hour and meeting looking like a sloppy mess. I was mortified. I calmly high-tailed it out of there, before any of the other ladies could look at my awesome rack, only to be distracted by my cardigan's 3 new permanent family members.

The moral of the story for Noah? Just imagine if I would have had a meltdown right there, at the meeting... not only would I look REALLY sloppy, but I'd lose some friends, get thrown in a cab because I was acting belligerent, and find my name on the league's Prayer List in next week's ledger... Is it really worth it?

It is my job as a mother is to help teach my children patience, composure, how to pick and choose their battles...

And how to use a credit card to buy a brand-new white cardigan.

Hardy har har...

2010-10-20T15:59:00.003-04:00

Noah has been quite the joke-teller lately, and he just cracks himself up.

But only himself.

I laugh at the randomness and confusion of the jokes, but I can't wait for him to tell me one that's of Chris Rock caliber. He'll be the hit of my cocktail parties!

Here's what we're dealing with now:

Why did the pigeon cross the road?
To get to the other terminal!

Why did the airplane cross the terminal?
Because he wanted to go inside the terminal!

Why did the leaf bite the controller?
Because he wanted to get super powers!

I think we have a long way to go.

Bacon Mac & Cheese

2010-10-19T20:16:00.010-04:00

Mmmmmmm... did somebody say "bacon" and "mac & cheese" in the same breath? Then, YES, PLEASE!!!

I got a recipe from my neighbor, and I made a few changes. Here is my adapted version (from Tyler Florence's Mac 'N Cheese with Bacon and Cheese ):

1 pound elbow macaroni
4 cups whole milk
2 or 3 sprigs thyme
2 cloves garlic, smashed

3 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
4.5 cups shredded sharp white Cheddar, divided
2 cups shredded smoked gouda
Freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley

10 slices bacon, cut crosswise into thin strips
2 large onions, diced
1 garlic clove, finely chopped
Leaves from 1/2 bunch fresh thyme

Directions:

-Bring a pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the macaroni and cook for 8 to 9 minutes, until al dente. Drain.
-Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
-In a small saucepan heat the milk with the thyme sprigs and 2 garlic cloves. Melt the butter in a large, deep skillet over medium-high heat. Whisk in the flour and cook for about 1 minute, stirring constantly, to keep lumps from forming.
-Strain the solids out of the milk and whisk it into the butter and flour mixture. Continue to whisk vigorously, and cook until the mixture is nice and smooth. (If small lumps form, strain milk and flour mixture through a fine mesh sieve, then return to pot.)
-Stir in the gouda cheese and 3 cups of the cheddar cheese and continue to cook and stir to melt the cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Add the cooked macaroni and the parsley and fold that all in to coat the macaroni with the cheese mixture.
-Scrape into a 3-quart baking dish and sprinkle with the remaining 1.5 cups of cheddar cheese. Bake for 30 minutes, or until hot and bubbly.
-While that bakes, heat a saute pan. Add the bacon, render the fat and cook until crispy. Add onion, garlic and thyme leaves and cook for about 7 minutes to soften the onion. Season with salt and pepper.
-To serve, scatter the bacon mixture over the mac and cheese, or serve over individual servings.

First of all, this recipe calls for way too many pots and pans!! I used one deep skillet to heat the milk, (strain, set milk aside, and rinse the pan) make the sauce, (rinse again) then make the bacon mixture! Unless you have a human dish-washer (or mother-in-law) on staff, save yourself the trouble and reuse your pot!

I doubled the amount of the onion/bacon recipe because it was the best part! This would be equally good with pancetta. Also, this recipe makes 8 (or in my house, 4) servings. Cut it in half if you are only feeding 2!

Cookbooks

2010-10-19T17:01:00.005-04:00

One of my guilty pleasures in life, besides reading trash online and watching trash on T.V., is collecting cookbooks. Well, I guess that's not really a guilty pleasure to most people, but it's almost like porn to me.

I know there's a plethora of free recipes and food blogs out there on the internet, but that just doesn't do it for me. There's something about opening up that hard cover and salivating over those thick, glossy pages full of measurements, methods, and beautiful photography... Mmmmmm...

AnyyesIknowI'mcrazy, there are a few cookbooks I've had my eye on, but have yet to purchase because I'm trying to get my cookbook obsession under control.

I also have some in my arsenal that make great gifts, like these:

Get in the Kitchen, Bitches!
Not only is this a great book, but they have free recipes on their website, like Love You Long Time Pork Ribs. Yum!

And this guy... well, he's just hot. I'd wok with you, Yan... anytime.

And contrary to what you may think, there actually is enough material to write about bread, wine and fish for this cookbook:

Snap back to reality

2010-10-12T09:52:00.003-04:00

I had a fantastic, kid-free, sun-filled, party-time weekend. It was much needed, and yesterday was a day of mourning because I came to realize that it was over, and it feels like there won't be another weekend like that for another 75 years (think Haley's comet). I've been coming to grips with my new life up here in the North. My family is down in Florida, so getting away for a weekend is tough. I'm still staying at home, keeping it real, and I love it, but I'm torn...

I love my kids to Reese's Pieces, and that's serious business. They are my world, and I will pull out my mama bear claws (the real things, not the doughnuts) at the drop of a hat. You know the dad that got on the bus and bitched out the kids for bullying his daughter? He got a virtual high-five from me. But, as much as I love my kids, I need some "me" time. I think there's a healthy balance, and I'm seriously unbalanced.

There's something about being able to have a phone conversation in the car and dropping the F-bomb without the constant fear of virgin ears keeping that word in their back pocket for a special moment, like communion at church. Or, listening to music that has bad words in it... I couldn't imagine Noah's teacher calling and telling me that he decided to sing a little Nine Inch Nails during music time.

There's the little thing that everyone takes for granted: a minute of peace to go to the bathroom. I swear, I think there's a kid magnet on my ass that activates as soon as I walk in the bathroom, which causes Ellie to cry and Noah, sometimes joined by the other kids in the neighborhood within close proximity of the kid magnet, to come in and bug the shit out of me.

After deciding to move up here, my goal was to get settled, grow the balls to get on the train to NYC, and start a new career in food styling. I think then, I will have the happy balance that I used to have, without dealing with the nights and weekends of a restaurant. But I have to take baby steps... on one hand, I'll be able the exercise my creativity and have adult conversation, but on the other, I'll have to commute and I might get a little lonely in the bathroom.

The most annoying sound in the world

2010-10-06T08:26:00.004-04:00

I know lots of things come to mind, but the sound I'm talking about is the "compostable" SunChips bag, and I am happy to say that the idea has finally been trashed. Ears around the world, rejoice!

I don't eat SunChips, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but in some way, those damn things affect us all. For example, I was at the grocery store perusing the pretzel selection, and some lady came right up beside me and grabbed a big ol' bag of SunChips. Simultaniously, car alarms started going off, dogs started barking and blood began dripping out of the customer's ears... all from that stupid bag. I'm not kidding... the bag is that loud. This morning, I came across an article titled: SunChips: Louder than a NYC Subway.

I really love the idea of Frito Lay trying to make the world a better place. I mean, their products make the world fat (or, on the other hand, cause anal leakage), so why not try to counterbalance that with a "green" package? I guess after getting bitch-slapped by Mother Nature for creating an obscene amount of noise pollution, they realized it was an epic FAIL.

You know, some things should just be left alone. Let people eat their junk food in peace, because the biodegradable bags make it impossible to sneak those chips!

Potty mouth

2010-10-01T08:13:00.009-04:00

First conversation with Noah this morning, pre-coffee:

Noah: "What's diarrhea?"

Me: "What? What did you just ask me?"

Noah: "What's diarrhea?"

Me: "Where is this coming from? Why do you want to know?"

I'm caught off-guard and getting the cold sweats at this point... how do I describe that to a little boy? Just as I was about to tell him to go ask his daddy...

Noah: "You know, like diarrhea wimpy kid?"

He was asking what diary(of) meant from Diary of a Wimpy Kid! Nothing beats a little panic and a laugh like that first thing in the morning!

Bravo, you're killing my sweet tooth!

2010-09-30T13:48:00.018-04:00

I was very excited when I found out that Top Chef was branching out and doing a pastry version. It's called Top Chef Just Desserts, but I think it should be called Top Chef Just Effing DRA-MAA!

Now, I'm all for reality show theatrics (hello, Real Housewives!), but I'm a fan of Top Chef because the main focus is the FOOD. Just Desserts is not just desserts... it's breakdowns, hissy-fits, and whining mixed in with too much flour and some horrible flavor that leaves your mouth feeling like a cat just shit in it.

It also seems that the contestants leave their common sense and creativity at the door, along with their recipes. The challenge in last night's episode was to make items to sell in a bake sale. One guy thought strawberry shortcake was the ticket, but someone on his team should have told him to keep that idea in his back pocket for a plated dessert challenge.

The girl that got voted off last night made a plain ol' peanut butter cookie for the bake sale. What was she thinking? You don't go on a dessert-competition show and make a dry peanut butter cookie! I mean, she could have at least put some chocolate or enthusiasm in the damn things.

In the preview for next week's show, there's the usual, but a twist... an ambulance is involved, and I'm pretty sure it's not in the form of a cake, but to pick one of the victims up. My neck hurts from shaking my head so much.

So, contestants, a little plea from me: Use your brains and shut your pie holes (pun intended) already! You're making pastry chefs all over the country look like incompetent cry babies that make desserts for their mommies. Speaking of which, save the drama for yo' mama!!

My little "man"

2010-09-29T10:30:00.008-04:00

Noah just turned 5 a month ago, but I think he really turned 75. We have a crotchety old man with the energy of a kid on our hands. I'm not even kidding.

He prefers his apple juice room temperature, not refrigerated.

If you interrupt him, he'll give you the stink-eye.

He does NOT like to leave the house late for the bus stop. 7:32 am, exactly.

He likes to eat dinner early... think early bird special.

The other day, he grabbed his crayons and paper and sat down at the kitchen table. He announced, "I am doing my paperwork. If anyone needs me, I'm going to tell them I am BUSY!"

This morning, we were sitting on the couch watching the news, and Noah was perusing his Lego Starwars dictionary. All of a sudden, he got really mad and said, "I can't read this book with all this noise from the T.V! Geez!"

I can't take credit for creating this little/big monster. We don't even do paperwork in this house, so his behavior must be from some other influence... maybe The Golden Girls?

He can be so sweet too, like a ladies man. While I was weeding the flower bed on Saturday, Noah picked a flower, gave it to me and said, "Mommy, you are doing such a great job. You are so pretty when you work hard."

Sweetness like that trumps grumpiness any day, in my book.

Picture thyme!

2010-09-29T09:55:00.006-04:00

Getting the kids gussied up, fitting time in my husband's packed calendar, starving myself... it must be time for a family portrait! Noah is my biggest challenge. I have to take all the markers away so he doesn't draw on his face, and removing his "temporary" tattoo... well, I am seriously just short of cutting off his left arm (he's right-handed, so he won't miss it).

I needed a little inspiration for our photo shoot, so I looked no further than Awkward Family Photos.

There is so much going on here! They are all so busy, how did they even have time for this? Brother is off to band practice, sister is heading to ballet, mom's checking her watch because her period is late, Dad's gotta take a dump (notice the magazine?), brother 2 wants to go to soccer, but who's going to watch baby brother 3? It's pandemonium in that house!

Ahhhh, this one is so much calmer! Since there's 4 of us, we could totally pull this one off. We even have the baby!! I have a feeling Adam will love this one too.

Speaking of Adam, I was thinking about doing a picture of just the two of us. I hope the photographer does nude shoots.

My personal grocery hell

2010-09-28T08:56:00.014-04:00

I miss Publix. A lot.

The smiling employees, the spotless floors you could eat a Publix sub off of, the smell of buttercream icing, oh, and the wine bottles, all in a pretty row. Ugh, my heart aches just thinking about those things.

Where do I shop up here? At a soul-less, buttercream-less, wine-less shithole called Stop-n-Slop. (I changed the name to protect my ass.) Does that sound a little harsh? Allow me to elaborate...

I think being an asshole is a prerequisite to work there. I have never encountered so many miserable frowny-faces in one place, and it PISSES ME OFF. Oh no you dinnit just politely ask for a pound of sliced ham at the deli counter, or a salmon fillet from the seafood department! You better recognize that they were perfectly content doing NOTHING.

Not one person acknowledges you, no "Hi", "Bye" or "Kiss my ass" as you check out. Do you have coupons? I have been stabbed by the cashier's eyeballs for my audacity to expect her to scan my coupons. Don't want to get cut? Then check yourself out and bag your own groceries in the self-checkout lane. I prefer to take the risk, though, and kill the bitches with kindness. I get the last laugh as I pack my car up and head to the liquor store to buy my wine, which leads me to my next point...

Why is Connecticut one of the only states in the country that does not sell wine in grocery stores, and does not sell any alcohol at all on Sundays? Pain in my ass, I tell you. Think about it... If I have a baby in one hand, how many bottles of wine do you think I can fit in the other? Exactly. I will be writing to my local congressman about this.

As for Stop-n-Hell, I will keep killing them with kindness until I kill every last one of 'em. Suckas.

It's GOOGLE time!

2010-09-27T16:52:00.003-04:00

I have made several posts about this before. I look at my blog's settings, and I can see what search terms people use to come across my blog in a search engine.
Here's the good ones this time around:

"I'm pregnant and in prison"

"Xanax, blogspot, post comment" - Some weirdo typed all 3 of these, and got to my blog?

"Bedazzle hospital gown shirts" - I strongly advise against this.

"christen mullet"

"rachel ray haters" - I am proud to be one.

and my personal favorite:

"a couple christen a bed means" - I hope this poor soul found the answer they were looking for. On that note, how about a shoutout to my parents for spelling my name the same way you spell a word that means "To perform an act (ususally having sex) in a new location for the first time.*"
The second definition makes up for it, though: "(name): alternate spelling for 'kristen'; usually extremely beautiful. can surprise you at what she can do. very outgoing. can be emotional at times, but mostly just wants to party!*"

*Thanks, urbandictionary.com

Hello from New England!

2010-09-27T15:39:00.009-04:00

In the past few months, my life has changed DRAMATICALLY. (I'm not being dramatic, either.) Not only do I have a new baby, but I left my job, family, friends and sunny home-state of Florida to start a new chapter in Connecticut. As of now, I am a stay-at-home mom, while I try to get my world to stop the drunk-spins.

I must say, it is very beautiful here. All of my neighbors are very sweet (which was a nice surprise!) and Noah skipped the whole "adapting" stage, and considered this "home" before the moving truck was unpacked.

The moving experience was a little much for me. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Have you ever seen the movie "Funny Farm" with Chevy Chase? Not only could I have written that shit, but I could have directed and starred in it too.

The icing on the cake (a.k.a. - my worst panic attack to date), happened after we landed at JFK. It was a Friday and the moving truck was on schedule to deliver our stuff on Saturday. We get a call saying that we won't get our stuff until Monday. Um, what? What? No matter how many people we sweet-talked or bitched out on both sides of the Mason-Dixon line, we were going to have to wait 4 days.

We decided to go to the new place to grab one of our cars (Which were delivered the day before. I like to call that whole deal Catastrophe #3.) and figure out where to house our family for the weekend, except for me, because I was being dropped off at the loony bin.

I think Freud himself was looking down on me, because our landlords saved the day! They live in a new, beautiful house across the street from the house we were renting, and invited us to stay in the guest suite in their basement. First of all, these sweet people don't know me, except for the one time we met them to look at the house. Ok, so they ran our credit and did a background check, but STILL! They insisted on having us stay. Second of all, they had a neverending supply of red wine. I think it was fate.

Looking back, that was a great weekend. Everything else in the moving process sucked, though. I am so glad it's over with, and I can move on with my life.

So, while I'm in between playing housewife and changing diapers, I'll be blogging again.

For real this time.

Hello? Is this thing on?

2010-05-04T17:35:00.004-04:00

I've been catching shit from my friends about not keeping up with my blog after I expected. Well, I'm back, and I have a lot to say.

First order of business: pictures of the CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD. Period.

And 3, 2, 1...

2010-02-23T05:19:00.003-05:00

I'm finally down to my last week. Yes, after being pregnant for 86,000 days, my turn has finally come!

Thursday is the big day!

20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants

2010-02-07T08:27:00.002-05:00

This is great. I think my favorite is the Manual Snot Sucker.

Click here to see them all!

Noah-isms

2010-02-05T07:38:00.003-05:00

In the past 24 hours, Noah has shared these little tidbits of important information with me, at totally random times, and very matter-of-factly. I thought I should pass them on, just in case you didn't know...

"Mommy, you should never put fire in your mouth. It will burn you and you'll have to go to the hospital."

"Mommy, you should never climb underneath a car. You could get hurt and you'll cry."

"Mommy, you should never put a pan in your mouth. It could be hot and it could hurt you."

Fail blog

2010-02-04T06:31:00.003-05:00

I'm always on the lookout for funny blogs and websites, and I love sharing them with all of YOU, so we can laugh and lose control of our bladders together.

My latest discovery: failblog.org

3 weeks to go...

2010-02-04T05:50:00.005-05:00

So, my doctor gave my tenant (whom I haven't received rent from in 9 months) her eviction notice yesterday. Baby girl has 3 weeks to get the hell out on her own, or my doctor is going to cut her out.

No, it's not really like that. I'm having a scheduled c-section, and we set the date yesterday.

So, actually, it is really like that.

The search is on

2010-02-04T05:13:00.010-05:00

When I get bored, I look at my blog's analytical settings and see how many people visit my blog, and what some people search for to find my blog. Lately the search words include "crotch pain", which makes me more than happy to know that I'm not the only crazy out there. Although, "sharp pain from belly button to lady parts" got the side-eye from me. Freak.

Here's a little list of the funny, and WTF? ones:

"christen hooker"

"why does sweet tea give me the shakes?"
(Because you're a lightweight?)

"I had a nightmare where i was been surrounded by something which was scearing the shit out of me and than i was picked up by some one loving and i felt safe"
(Hmmmm, how this found my blog, I have no idea. Maybe the word "shit"?)

"I left my grocery at the store"

"what the hell is a centigram?"

and an obscene amount of "vodka tampon" searches, including "vodka tampon calories". Now that's a good question. Obviously, since you aren't ingesting those calories, they go straight to your ass, so it's pertinent information if you're trying to lose weight. Please give me a holler if you know the answer... I'm going to have baby weight to shed!

Weekly update

2010-01-29T10:05:00.003-05:00

How far along? 35 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: I don't even know. I haven't been to the gym lately to check!

Maternity clothes? I actually just bought my first maternity shirt last week. I'm still just wearing XL t-shirts.

Sleep: Where to start? Between insomnia and leg cramps, I can't get a good night's sleep!

Best moment this week: Watching Noah's expression when he saw his new bed in his new room!

Movement: I get kicked in the ribs and punched in the bladder. Awesome.

Gender: Still a girl.

Labor Signs: None!

Belly Button in or out? Almost out.

What I miss: Being able to run around, bend over and sit on the floor.

Weekly Wisdom: Hmmm, I gave out a lot of wisdom, but I don't feel like I've heard anything new.

Milestones: I never thought I'd go this long and have my wedding ring still fit! Yeah!

What's for dinner?

2010-01-29T07:07:00.003-05:00

Tonight's menu:

Skanky Ho's (my version of Sloppy Joe's, but with ground turkey served on whole wheat bun)

Spinach salad w/ VD (vinegarette dressing... get your mind out of the gutter!)

YUM!

Well, good morning to you!

2010-01-28T08:04:00.006-05:00

This is an actual account of my night and how I eventually said screw it, and woke up for the day. It's a pretty normal night, except for the last part...

11pm: Cramp in my calf. Stumble out of bed to stand up to make it go away.

12:30am: Cramp in my calf, again.

1am: Cramp in my calf. (I should write a song and take it to American Idol tryouts.)

4am: Cramp in BOTH of my calves. Decide to pee while I'm up this time. Trip over Adam's suitcase on the way to the bathroom. I'm OK. Make it to the toilet, and proceed to FALL IN IT because somebody* left the seat up.

I'm awake now.

*Somebody won't fess up to not putting the seat down. Trial will be held on Saturday where both suspects will be interrogated, allowed a closing statement and one will eventually be punished.

The punishment: To sit IN the toilet.

Nesting like a MOTHA

2010-01-27T06:25:00.009-05:00

I've been getting complaints from my girlfriends about not updating my blog as much anymore. Maybe I'll jump back on the wagon and make 'em happy...

I knew way before the end of the year that as soon as the holidays were over, it would be GO TIME, bitches. I would have 6 weeks to get my shit together and prepare for this baby. Well, I'm down to 4 weeks, and the only thing I can say I've done is "nest". What exactly is nesting? That's when a pregnant woman in her 3rd trimester gets an overwhelming urge to clean and organize the house, (inside and out, as well as the neighbor's house) and do things that pregnant women aren't allowed to do while pregnant (move furniture, use chemicals to clean soap scum, cook dinner)... you get the idea.

I had just finished wiping down the inside of the washing machine and lint-rolling the lint-trap in the dryer, when I had an urge to reorganize my spice cabinet (twice). What next? I realized that I need to start making a list of baby needs, because I haven't bought one thing yet. I mean, I've found some really adorable outfits along the way, but a cute onsie and matching socks aren't going to help us when she's lying on the FLOOR, COLD AND DIAPERLESS.

Ok, so "assemble nursery furniture" is first on the list, followed by a list of neccessities (blankets, diapers, baby monitor, etc.) It's all so overwhelming. I'm not having a baby shower this time around, but rather a "Stock The Bar" party after the baby is born (thanks in advance, Anita), so it's all up to me to pick this stuff out and buy it. Believe me, I would much rather be dusting the lightbulbs, alphabetizing Noah's books or re-pasturizing my skim milk at home than waddling around Target buying all this shit.

So, it's time to suck it up, take one for team "ChrisElle" (sounds classy, huh?), go run over some ankles and small children with my Rascal, and buy all the things on my list.

Then I can finish detailing my garbage disposal.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2009-12-18T14:55:00.015-05:00

Well, here we are, right smack in the middle of the holidays. It's been a challenge this year! The older Noah gets, the more he knows about Christmas, and I love it. I'm just trying to keep up with him and his expectations, and it's exhausting. I decorated the tree, baked a few batches of Christmas cookies, made a wreath or two, and DVR'd some Christmas specials. Between airplane flights, Adam had to get up on the roof and put more Christmas lights up because the lights in the hedges just weren't enough for Noah. And worse, I had to hold the ladder in the 80-degree heat.

EVERYTHING takes me twice as long these days. There is no more "run in real quick and grab it". I have officially waved goodbye to the sexy strut. I walk slower than half the people in a retirement home, and it's down-right embarrassing. Instead of waddling through the grocery store like a weeble-wobble, I should just shed whatever pride I have left and hop into a Rascal. Noah always jumps on them and plays while I'm checking out, so he would think that I'm the BEST MOM EVER if I told him, "Noah, forget the cart this time. We're going for a ride!" With my luck, though, the battery would die in the meat department, or I'd accidentally run over my son, or take out a huge display in the front of the store... is it really worth the risk?

Christmas shopping has been done in small trips this year. I can only handle about an hour, and then my pelvis feels like it's going to fall out, so I have to call it a day.

The other day I gave myself a pep-talk to go to Joann's Fabrics before work to get some boxes for my Christmas cookies. I drove there, grabbed a cart, walked around the store, ran over some ankles and didn't apologize, then I decided I was ready to check out. The line was RIDICULOUS. I stood there for about 30 seconds, and my irritability, lack of compassion and common sense told me to abandon all my hard work and my cart, and to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. So, I walked away, and didn't look back. I was so disappointed in myself. I CAME SO FAR! I WAS ALMOST THERE! And I just couldn't do it.

The next day I went to a little boutique by my house. The place was crawling with middle-aged women adorned with Brighton jewelry, spikey frosted hair and bedazzled zebra-printed flip-flops. Not my scene. I found what I needed and was waiting in a very short line, when the Queen of the Tackies CUT IN FRONT OF ME. Really, lady? I let it go... I didn't want to be one of those pregnant women that goes postal during the holidays. I'm going to save that for something really good. So, finally my turn, and I get up to the counter. As I'm waiting for my packages, another woman comes and stands at the counter right next to me. In my personal bubble. She was so close, I could smell the food stuck in her teeth. What the hell happened to personal space? And BACK UP, BITCH! It's MY turn! Do I need to walk around with personal velvet ropes, posts and a bouncer? I tried scooting away, but she moved closer. Thankfully, my stuff was ready, so I waddled out of there as fast as I could so I could go home and take a shower to wash off my too-close encounter.

I am relieved to say that my Christmas shopping is done. But now I have to wrap it all. Or bribe someone to wrap it all for me.

I love this time of year, but I'm also ready for it to be over all ready. Pregnancy and holidays don't get along famously, unless you're super-rich and can pay someone to do all the hard work for you.

Thanks for the pic, awkwardfamilyphotos.com

My trip to Labor & Delivery Triage

2009-12-01T17:47:00.004-05:00

Preface: I started getting sharp pains in the right side of my belly along with my Braxton-Hicks contractions on Saturday night. They went away when I went to sleep, but the sharp pain continued into Sunday and Monday, especially when I would have a contraction.

How can I better describe this pain? I picture the baby, whistling "Folsom Prison Blues", having just made a shank out of one of my ribs, and stabbing me with it until she can escape. On top of this, I'm also still experiencing the crotch pain. Yee haw... fun times!

So, on Monday I get into work after sitting on my ass for 4 days straight. The minute I start working, I get a contraction, and the sharp pain is now on both sides. After an hour-long contraction, I couldn't take the sharp pain anymore so I decided that maybe it was time to give the doctor a call. I talked to a nurse and she told me to go to the hospital. Um, really? Yes! Go to the hospital! So, off I went.

I get there and first things first, I gotta pee in a cup. I change into a gown and lay down on the bed to get hooked up to the fetal monitor. Sure enough, the contraction stops right then. (Yep, I'm feeling like a jackass now.) The doctor on-call orders an ultrasound to check to see if my cervix is dilated at all (a.k.a. preterm labor). The nurse asked if I had been to the perinatal unit before, and I told her that I wasn't sure, but would it be hard for me to find? She laughed and told me, "You're now a patient of ours, and we have to escort you down in a wheelchair. Oh, and not to worry, you don't have to change back into your clothes. Here's another hospital gown for you to wear backwards, as a robe." Oh, that's just fabulous news! I wanted to ask her for a third gown for me to wear over my head.

After an hour, my chariot arrives to take my me down for the ultrasound. After the technician was done, I got back into the chair. She wheeled me over to the waiting area in front of the T.V. and told me to sit tight... somebody would get me soon. She turned on the T.V. and walked away. I was literally in HELL at this point. Here I was, with my hospital gown, "robe" and black socks on, in pain, stuck watching Rachael Ray blab about how she always burns bread when she puts it under the broiler, so now she just puts it on a cooling rack in a hot oven... somebody shoot me now!! I was losing my mind, and I just wanted to go home. Finally, someone came and got me and took me back upstairs.

The nurse told me that my cervix was nice and closed. With preterm labor out of the question, she asked me about my pain again. I told her that IT HURTS and she was going to page the doctor to see what she wanted to do. And... the waiting game continued. I finally turned on the T.V., to what else, but the Food Network. The channel changer wouldn't work, so I was stuck watching that show "Down Home with the Neely's". You know, the one where the couple sexually tease each other with porkchops and wooden spoons for half an hour, when what they really should be doing is GETTING A ROOM?! And what was it with this hospital and the Food Network? Are they getting a kick back, or something?

Finally, the doctor called back and told them to let me go home. The nurse told me that if the pain continues when I'm lying down, then to call my doctor again. She also told me that my urine looked good and that I was really hydrated, and that was good, but to still drink lots of water because I could still be dehydrated. I wanted to tell her, biiiiitch, please. I don't kid around about water. I drink it like it's my job... I put down at least a gallon a day. If I were in a water-drinking contest with a camel, I'd win, no doubt. I think this nurse liked kicking me when I was down.

So, at this point I felt like a huge jackass, and probably looked like an even bigger hypochondriac. After 3.5 hours, I was finally able to get dressed, (still in pain, mind you. But none of that matters, since I'm NOT in labor.) and do the walk of shame out of the hospital and to my car.

The end.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T07:32:00.006-05:00

Do y'all like my turkeys?

Yes! It's finally here! Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend, I will be celebrating my favorite holiday with my family. Why is it my favorite holiday? Um, can you think of another holiday where the main focus is FOOD? (Besides my birthday.)

OK, I also like spending time with my family and making memories. A lot of those memories are made when the wine is flowing and the mouths are running, so it's going to be a little different for me this year. I'll just hold the camcorder and wait to watch the videos when the baby comes... and after I've had a couple.

Here's to great family, great times and great food! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thanks for the pic, awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Weekly Update!

2009-11-25T07:10:00.004-05:00

How far along? 26 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: I've been slacking lately, so a little more than 907 184.74 centigrams.

Cravings: Still waiting on that sweet potato casserole.

Sleep: Same as last week. I had a really disturbing dream the other night that Donald Trump was trying to get fresh with me. Um, ewwwww, and random! I woke up with stomach bile in my mouth.

Best moment this week: Finding out I passed my glucose test!

What I miss: Not having to worry about every little thing I eat... my metabolism sucks when I'm pregnant!

What I am looking forward to: The holidays.

Weekly Wisdom: I have none.

Weekly Update

2009-11-19T19:33:00.002-05:00

How far along? 25 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: STILL 907 184.74 centigrams. Holding strong for 5 weeks now!

Cravings: I've been holding a special place in my heart these last few weeks for sweet potato casserole. I have to wait until Thanksgiving to get it!

Sleep: I've been waking up a few times a night with killer cramps in my calves. I've also been up at 4:30 am the past 2 mornings in a row.

Best moment this week: Watching Noah score 2 goals at soccer practice... he was SO excited!!
What I miss: Hmmmm... being pain-free? This baby can't come soon enough.

What I am looking forward to: Still looking forward to Thanksgiving. I'm starving!!!

Weekly Wisdom: I just learned that I'm suffering from symphysis pubic dysfunction. No, I'm not dying, but I am worried that my vag is in an unstable environment.

UPDATE to Pain in the... crotch?

2009-11-19T19:23:00.002-05:00

I know what's wrong with me! I'm not a freak of nature! There's still no hope for me, though.

See the bottom of this post.

Sodium

2009-11-18T06:42:00.004-05:00

Why am I blogging about sodium? Whether you're pregnant, a heart patient, or none of the above, sodium still affects all of us, or someone we love. (Hey! That rhymed! Watch out, Kanye!) If you could give a shit about sodium, then skip this post, but this is important.

Since the odds of developing pre-eclampsia again are pretty high, I'm doing everything I can to try to beat those odds. So, I've been trying to keep my blood pressure and water retention down, and one of the best ways to do that is to watch my sodium intake. So far, it's worked pretty well... my blood pressure is great and NO CANKLES! I drink between 1 and 2 gallons of water a day (the more water you drink, the less you retain), and I try my best not to eat processed foods, which are the sodium-devil.

As I was making my huge salad-of-the-day (I make a big salad in the morning and eat it with my meals throughout the day), I just happened to glance at the back of the baby spinach bag, and noticed there's SODIUM in it!! I'm talking raw-fresh-from-the-earth spinach, ya'll. Then I looked at the back of my romaine lettuce bag, and, gasp! SODIUM! Granted, 65 mg is not a lot of sodium, especially compared to chicken broth, but damn it... is nothing sodium-sacred? I'm talking about leafy-green rabbit food, for crying out loud!

After I picked myself up from my crying fit on the floor, I got my act together and had to remind myself that we need sodium to survive, and it's no big deal. I still can't help but feel like I've been bamboozled, though. So, what have we learned from this real-life story? Besides the fact that I am a certified over-emotional, crazy pregnant woman, the devil is everywhere, in the most obvious places and places you'd least expect it. I say... if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Roll with the punches. Keep your eyes AND your ears open. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it... at least until my next sodium-induced mental breakdown.

Such a pain in the... crotch?

2009-11-18T05:59:00.005-05:00

For 3 weeks and five days now, it's felt like someone has kicked me in the crotch; like I've just taken a bike ride across the state on a really hard seat. And every once in a while, the pain shifts and it feels like somebody turned me around and kicked me in the ass. What the hell is this pain? I don't know. I didn't have it with Noah. My doctor said something about second pregnancy, working on my feet, c-section and tendons, but all I'm thinking is pain, pressure, bruised bone, and fearing my uterus will fall out at any second.

I'm not one to sit and complain, but since this pain is common here and there late in the 3RD TRIMESTER, then I'm going to complain a little, considering I'm still in the 2nd trimester, and I feel it all. The. Damn. Time. I'm not being sarcastic. It hurts to roll over in my sleep. Although it hurts like hell to walk or stand, I dread sitting down because it hurts so much to stand back up again.

Obviously, the most suffering comes at work. I try not to walk as much as possible, which is impossible. I find myself doing the Rachael-Ray-look-how-much-shit-I-can-carry-across-the-kitchen-somebody-give-me-a-pork-chop act a lot. And let me tell you, when I get back to my station and realize I forgot the butter in the walk-in cooler, I cry a little bit on the inside and actually have to tell my legs to start moving because my dumbass forgot to grab it the first time. I seriously have to give my legs a pep talk to start moving, and to keep moving.

So, what can I do to make myself feel better, besides NOTHING? Take Tylenol (i.e. NOTHING... should be called Tylen-does-not-work), get off my feet (see "hurts like hell to stand back up again"), or ask my doctor to sedate me until I give birth 3 months from now.

I will grin and bear it, just as I have been for the past few weeks. Just know that when you see or talk to me, I'm secretly dying inside, hating my lady-parts more and more every day.

UPDATE!!

So I did some research, and found out that my pain has a name. Here's some info about it from the What To Expect website:

Symphysis pubic dysfunction, or SPD, is a relatively common (but uncommonly painful) pregnancy condition. It's caused by a relaxation of the ligaments that normally keep the two sides of the pelvic bone tightly bound together at the symphysis pubis, the joint in the pubic area. (The culprit here is the hormone relaxin, which softens those joints to give baby an easier path out into the world.)

Sometimes, the ligaments loosen too much and quite early in pregnancy (symptoms may start around the middle of pregnancy) causing instability in the pelvic joint. One side might shift more than the other when you are walking or just moving your legs — especially if you separate them, as you would to get out of your car — causing a world of hurt. (In rarer cases, the joint may gape apart noticeably — a condition called diastasis symphysis pubis). Bearing any weight, in fact — or even trying to roll over in bed — will cause tremendous pain in the pelvis (the pubic bone will be sore to the touch), groin, hips, and sometimes the buttocks. The pain can travel down the inner thighs, and you may feel a clicking or grinding when you move. And standing on one leg? Torture.

Lamebook funnies

2009-11-10T21:33:00.004-05:00

I just discovered Lamebook.com a few weeks ago, and it has me laughing my ass off. For those who haven't heard of it, it's a website where people submit funny comments and pictures from Facebook. Here's a few that made me laugh:

To all the parents out there...

2009-11-10T21:23:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel guilty for giving your kid too much juice? Or maybe they watch just a little too much TV? Well, feel guilty no more! Just go to this website, and you'll feel so much better about your parenting skills. I promise.

God bless America, and God bless every soul on that site.

Weekly update

2009-11-10T21:02:00.005-05:00

How far along? 24 weeks

Total weight gain: 907 184.74 centigrams

Sleep: I have my good nights and my bad nights. My good nights come after working my ass off for 10 hours on my feet. I think I die after I fall asleep then come back to life in the morning.

Best moment this week: Still waiting for that one...

What I miss: Not having to pee every 20 minutes.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving! It's my favorite holiday!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't watch I'm Pregnant And... In Prison before bed. (Real show on Discovery Health. What will they think of next?)

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T11:24:00.004-04:00

Finally, it's here! I love Halloween, and it's even more fun with a small child who is just so damn excited too! I'm wasn't going to dress up this year, but at the last minute I decided to go out as a pregnant lady. Noah is going as Indiana Jones and the husband will be himself, maybe with the mullet wig and Bubba teeth, if he's feeling spontanious.

Thanks for the pic, foundshit.com

Daytime TV is SCARY

2009-10-28T15:24:00.003-04:00

I had lunch plans with a girlfriend today, but she's sick as a dog and had to cancel. Hearing her raspy sick voice on the phone this morning inspired me to lay around in my pajamas and watch crap on TV all day. I can't remember the last time I've done this... oh yeah, a few months ago when I was dying of morning sickness.

Anyway, I came across a show on TLC called "A Baby Story", and I watched 2 episodes, in absolute horror. I could not believe what these women were going through, and they even had small children at home. I watched them walk to the operating room to have their c-sections, and then bringing their babies home afterward. I had my eyes closed for half of the show, and my heart was racing. But just when I thought it couldn't get any scarier, I realized, THAT'S GOING TO BE ME, YOU DUMBASS!

What have I done? Just like watching a scary movie and having nightmares afterward, I watched this show and I just know that there's some nightmares in my future. This baby is becoming much more of a reality, and it's scaring the shit out of me. I'M GOING TO HAVE 2 CHILDREN. I'm no math genius, but I know that 2 is twice as much as 1.

Sweet, gentle baby Jesus in the manger, please give me the strength!

Laugh (or emergency) of the day

2009-10-28T14:59:00.002-04:00

Help! Somebody get that baby an oxygen mask! She's being suffocated by a cheetah and a Joann's fabric store worth of tuile and polyester!

Gotta love the Real Housewives of New Jersey. They keep it real.

Thanks, dlisted.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-10-26T11:13:00.005-04:00

Yes, pregnancy is wonderful... I'm growing a baby, right? Well, there's also the ugly side of pregnancy... and I mean UGLY.

Why in the hell does it look like somebody hit me in the back of the legs with a bag of nickels? Is cellulite an automatic bonus as soon as you get pregnant? I'll tell you what, no amount of spin classes, leafy-green salads or boneless, skinless, flavorless chicken breasts keeps that shit away.

Anybody know where I can get a horse? I've got some saddlebags-in-progress that need a job. You wanna look like perfect Heidi Klum when she's sperminated? Don't let the pregnancy gods know that because they'll make you look the opposite. Bitch.

So, what gives? I've never had these problems... and then I got pregnant. Believe me, I'm killing myself trying to be as healthy as possible, but the reality is that I'm fighting a losing battle, and I'm too stubborn to realize it.

And I don't care what anybody says, I am a firm believer that you still get PMS when you're knocked up, but 100 times worse. Saturday was an ugly day for me. I was in the worst mood for no good reason. I had my claws out and breathing fire, then it disappeared just as quickly as it came on.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have my good days -- I get the urge to talk to strangers, not feel the need to get mad at the slow-ass car in front of me, and just be nice. Those days are becoming few and far between.

On the brightside, I'm growing a mini-me in my belly, and it will only be a short time until our powers unite and... WORLD DOMINATION. Heidi Klum will be the first to go.

Yep, I'm going there.

2009-10-23T20:55:00.008-04:00

I know... it's too early for this shit, but this is a pregnant woman's crisis! Hear me out!

Usually I wait until right after Thanksgiving to get into the Christmas spirit. My inner Martha Stewart comes out and I decorate my tree and bake cookies. I also listen to Christmas music (in small doses) and try to smile at strangers. But, I don't start on my Christmas shopping list until the middle of December because I'm a procrastinator, and I don't want to deal with it. Well, this year is different, folks. I'm starting early this year. No, my Christmas tree won't be up before Halloween, but I will start my shopping, like, NOW.

You see, I was thinking about how much it's gonna suck being 7 1/2 months pregnant and fighting the crowds... sober, at that. Inconceivable. So, I'm gonna start shopping online and hitting up Target during the morning hours. Then, I'm going to hire somebody (that will work for baked goods) to wrap all the presents I bought because Lord knows my back won't be able to handle it. If that doesn't work, then plan B... you see that black garbage bag with a twisty-tie bow on it? That's from me. Merry Christmas.

Thanks for the pic, awkwardfamilyphotos.

Weekly update!

2009-10-23T20:05:00.006-04:00

How far along? 21 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: 771 107.029 centigrams (no, your eyes are not decieving you... I have lost a couple hundred-thousand centigrams.)

Maternity clothes? Just pants.

Sleep: I am now waking up at 3am on a daily basis. I toss and turn for about 2 hours, then I go back to sleep until Noah wakes me up between 6 and 7am. I should really teach him how to make a pot of coffee this weekend.

Best moment this week: When I got on the scale and saw that I had lost weight. (Somewhere out there my doctor is high-fiving my personal trainer.)

Movement: All I have to say is somebody needs to be sleeping, not dancing on Soul Train in the middle of the night.

Gender: Still a girl.

Labor Signs: I started having Braxton Hicks contractions after being on my feet too long. I guess if I stood long enough (like 24 hours), I could go into labor.

Belly Button in or out? In. (What kind of question is this? I'm changing it next week.)

What I miss: Being able to get in and out of the tub without needing safety rails.

What I am looking forward to: 2 words: Halloween candy (in moderation, of course.)

Weekly Wisdom: Don't read food magazines when you're hungry. You'll wind up making braised short ribs and peanut butter banana caramel bread pudding on the fly.

Milestones: Not one stranger has had the balls to touch my belly... I didn't realize that other people could actually see the electric fence surrounding my personal bubble.

By the way, for any of you readers that give a shit... gotta question you want me to add to this list? Leave a comment (don't forget to hit "post comment" again if you get the error) and I'll add it next time!

Sorry for the delay...

2009-10-23T19:39:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been really busy playing Suzy Homemaker, and it's wearing my ass out!

I'm still nesting, so I've been cleaning my house every second I can get. I've also been playing Man of the House because Adam is out of town. For the record... taking the trash out SUCKS. I had to run outside in my pajamas to roll the trash out this morning because I almost missed the garbage truck! And let me tell you, my jammies ain't that cute anymore since I'm carrying a small country in my belly. The garbage men didn't even whistle at me. Boooooo.

I've also been cooking more. Noah hasn't had a microwaved meal in over a week! Can I get a high-five?

So, add all that up, plus insomnia, daily trips to the gym and work, and that equals one worn out mutha.

To give myself a break, I took Noah out for pizza tonight, and now he's quietly playing his video game, and I'm going to let him play it as long as he wants to tonight. Thanks to this new book I found, I don't feel guilty one bit. It's called Mothers Need Time-Outs Too, and I'm all over it. I haven't read it yet, but I get the concept, and, damn it, I'm gonna give myself a time-out if I want to!

Suzi Homemaker, over and out.

Head-scratcher...

2009-10-13T12:14:00.006-04:00

I ran into my local Walgreens this morning after I left the gym to buy some face wash. The bottle had a sticker on it that says "Pay in Cosmetics". OK, no problem. I walk up to the register and the lady tells me good morning. She then asks, "Do you need any cigarettes?" Um, what? Keep in mind that I am in my gym clothes and I have a slightly noticeable bump. I say, "Pardon?", and she asks again. I tell her no thank you.

What the hell kind of sales pitch is that?! Do I look like I need a cigarette? Granted, I probably did, along with some under eye concealer, but still! And I bought FACE WASH, not a bottle of Jack! How about offering me some lip gloss, or shampoo, since we're in the COSMETICS section? And for crying out loud, why do I keep having to write about my shopping experiences? Am I the only one that runs into freaks on a daily basis?

Weekly updates

2009-10-13T11:48:00.005-04:00

I saw these questions on another pregnant woman's blog. I thought I'd steal them and do weekly updates for all y'all that give a shit. (Thanks, Mrs. J.)

How far along? 20 weeks

Total weight gain: 907 184.74 centigrams

Maternity clothes? Just pants.

Sleep: Aside from waking up 2 times a night to pee, not too bad. I've been having really vivid dreams. Last night I dreamt that I had my c-section and they were handing me the baby and Adam didn't have the camcorder ready. WTF Adam?!

Best moment this week: Hmmm, the week just started, but I would have to say when Noah kissed my hand in the car this morning and told me he loved me.

Movement: This girl is CRAZY, y'all! It's like a hamster on one of those wheels. I feel her kicking into my back now.

Gender: GIRL!

Labor Signs: Lord, no.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: My social life.

What I am looking forward to: A bottle of wine with my name on it.

Weekly Wisdom: An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

Milestones: As of this moment today, I have not physically hurt anyone.

Shut up, already!

2009-10-13T07:36:00.006-04:00

I ventured over to Macy's yesterday before work to check out the Columbus Day sale. Thumbs down, by the way. Anyway, as I was perusing the baby girl layette section, a fellow knocked-up mother was doing the same. Except she was holding the most loud, baby-talking-coo-coo-obnoxious-one-way conversation with her year-old baby in the stroller. Here's how it went down:

"Oh! What do you think of this? Do you think little brofher will like this? We can tell him it's from you!"

--Insert more baby talk that I did not understand but heard loud and clear here.--

"We need to find baby brofher something for Christmas!" (Repeated 4 times. After #3, we made eye contact.)

"Oh my goodness! You are drinking so much juicey! Somebody's gonna have a pee-pee diaper! Yes, little man, you are going to have a BIG pee-pee diaper!" (At this point, blood was dripping out of my ears)

"We just need to find... what do you think of THIS?! Or THIS?! What do you think Daddy will want for dinner tonight?" (Now I was looking around for ANYONE that was over the age of 5 to pull over and just be her friend. No luck.)

--Insert more baby talk that I did not understand but heard loud and clear here.--

"We need to find baby brofher something for Christmas!"

At this point, I was fighting turrets syndrome, shaking and trying to ignore my body's urge to curl up under a clothing rack and suck my thumb. I wobbled over to the escalator, and found the nearest exit... who cares if it was the stock room?

The scary part is that she's still out there, y'all. Something tells me that her crazy ass is still looking for a Christmas present for baby brofher, and she just might visit a store NEAR YOU!

A day late and a dollar short

2009-10-07T19:49:00.005-04:00

I live in a gated golf course community, but to get there, you gotta go through the country. I'm talking cows and goats running around front yards, mobile homes and... daily yard sales. You know the ones, right? These people have nothing better to do than shuffle their shit out to the yard every single day and try to sell it? Guess not.

Well, this one yard sale had been going on for about a week, when one day I passed it and noticed a Rascal (motorized scooter) sitting in the yard. It was black with a candy apple red base. I didn't think twice about it, but when I saw it in the yard every day for the next week, I started to fantasize about it. It probably didn't work, so I would offer $50 for the thing, take it home and fix it up. I'd put a basket on the front... checking the mail and unloading the groceries from the car would no longer be a chore. Maybe I'd put a strap on the back to hold my golf bag... one-man golf cart! I would take the governor off and get that bitch going quick, like 30 mph! I'd show up all my neighbor's golf carts in my "Race-cal"! Yeeeah, bitches!

It breaks my heart to say that my motorized scooter dreams have been shattered. On my way to take Noah to school yesterday, I saw some people loading it up in the back of their Explorer. What were those people going to do with my Race-cal? It makes me sad to think that they will give it to their 90-year-old grandmama for Christmas. That scooter had such a bright future, and I let it down. Boo hoo.

In honor of the Rascal that got away, here's a funny video of a commercial paired with the song "Ridin' Dirty".

Riding Dirty - watch more funny videos

Nesting

2009-10-07T19:27:00.003-04:00

I'm only 19 weeks and I experienced my first "nesting" urge yesterday. I was on my way to the gym, and got an overwhelming need to clean the house. I actually considered turning around! All through spin class, I thought about what I was going to clean, and hell, I even thought about what I would make for dinner! I raced home after class, and went straight to work. With my heart rate monitor and sweaty/stanky gym clothes still on, I worked my way through the house like a mad maid. It took me just over 2 hours to clean the whole house, top to bottom.

For those that know me, this is unheard of. The last thing I do on my day off is clean the house and cook dinner on top of that. Oh yeah, I also cleaned out my car, took it to the car wash, and went grocery shopping. I was ready to go outside and straighten out the patio, but it was 8pm and 90210 was coming on. Nesting urge over.

Thanks to June Cleaver taking over my body, my house is spotless, my child is clean and I fulfilled my dinner quota for the month. Holla!

So that's how it works!

2009-10-05T08:23:00.005-04:00

After this post about the dumbass family stickers on the back of the car, I always wondered what happened when the blissful family decided to part ways (which was probably because of the damn stickers).

Did mom keep the minivan, but have the stickers professionally removed? Or did she keep the stickers on, for wishful thinking, and to keep from upsetting the kids and the dogs? These questions plagued me, and kept me up at night. What would you do?

Well, my anxiety is gone because my questions have been answered! How clever... Mom gets the last laugh, without having to get rid of the stickers!

Thanks peopleofwalmart.com

Attention Rachael Ray haters...

2009-10-05T08:09:00.003-04:00

Does this crazy hooker make your skin crawl? Force you to drink straight out of the bottle? Make you want to take a shower? If you answered yes to at least 2 of those questions, then you'll enjoy this parody.

Rachael Ray $40 A Day - watch more funny videos

Cravings

2009-10-04T07:39:00.003-04:00

People ask me all the time if I'm craving anything. When I tell them yes, they ask me if it's anything weird. You mean, like, mudpies or pickled herring?

Here's what I've been craving these last few months:

-French toast from Cracker Barrel
-Cereal (any kind... I don't discriminate)
-Icees
-Goat cheese mashed potatoes with red wine syrup from work

I wake up in the morning craving those damn mashed potatoes. I don't even attempt to make them myself. I just wait until I'm at work on Saturday and get a bowl of heaven at the end of the night. I savor each bite and I have never felt so content and happy at work.

After church last Sunday, we hit up Cracker Barrel to feed my french toast craving. By the time we leave church, I'm STARVING, and just want some of that french toast, STAT. So, Adam drops me off in the front so I can run in and put our name on the list. I was waiting patiently, but the asshole in front of me kept asking the hostess a bunch of dumb questions. I was losing my patience... fast. With the words "french toast" repeating in my head, I started visualizing how I could hurt him, maybe take his kneecaps out, and then he finally moved out of the way!

I stepped up to the podium, but the hostess wasn't looking at me. She was looking at an elderly couple that just walked up. I almost lost my shit. Normally I am very polite, but there was no way I was letting granny and pop-pop cut in front of me. I inched closer to the podium, practically hugging it, and the hostess looked at me, then at them, and asked, "Who was here first?" Without missing a beat, I said, "IwasAdampartyof3!" Pop-pop and granny looked at me, appalled. They were probably wondering why this nice looking lady with a pearl necklace was so rude. All I have to say is that starving pregnant women trying to fulfill a craving trump the elderly every time, momofuckos!

Etsy

2009-10-03T22:59:00.010-04:00

Ever heard of this site? For those of you who haven't, it's a site where people can sell their crafts. I just discovered it a few months ago and I am addicted. I can't believe how much cute baby stuff there is! Here's a hat I've been eyeing...

And by the way, can someone wrap those babies up for me, please? A-DOR-A-BLE!!

How about these baby loafers?

I also love these cute diaper covers:

Then there's the ugly side of etsy. The side that you never wished you crossed over to. Take these, for example:

Wanna take a guess as to what those are? They're WASHABLE TAMPONS.

Here's the good news: you can insert them with your finger or a disposable lollipop stick, and they come in your choice of colors: beige and neapolitian. Um, really, neapolitian? Because I want to think about ice cream while I'm sticking this thing in my hoo-ha with a lollipop stick?

My main concern would be what the hell to do with it after I took it out. If that doesn't make you want to run --not walk, to your nearest drugstore and buy some sorta-bad-for-the-environment-but-I-don't-care-because-I'm-a-sane-woman box of tampons, then I don't know what will.

You know, there's a reason why they make some things "disposable". I think etsy.com needs to monitor what these crazies are selling on their site. I just hope to God this woman has a "no-return" policy. I didn't check, but I'm willing to bet that she makes washable toilet paper too.

Cry me a riveeeeer

2009-10-03T08:12:00.003-04:00

Better yet, I've cried myself an ocean. It's been so pathetic, ya'll. I've cried more in these last few weeks than I have in my entire adult life. I am NOT a crier, and adjusting to this pregnancy boo-hoo fest sucks.

I cry if someone hurts my feelings. WTF? Before I was pregnant, I would just bust their balls until I made them cry. I cry because I miss Noah at school, or my back hurts, or I have to pee and can't find a bathroom. I am a goddamned cry baby! Oh, and if I've been crying, and somebody asks me if I'm ok, I START CRYING AGAIN!!

I think this is happening because I'm having a girl. She's probably providing the extra estrogen (i.e. tears and feelings) I've been missing my whole life.

And the post you've all been waiting for...

2009-09-28T23:21:00.003-04:00

We found out the sex today. Actually, we found out over a month ago, but the tech wasn't 100% sure, so we decided to wait until this big one to see if she was right. And she was.

We're having a girl!

Noah will be so thrilled, especially since he wanted a sister from the get go, and has told everyone that he's going to have a little sister and how they are best friends... so cute. He's probably going to hate her the second she pops out. I can't wait for that juggling act. Anyway, we're having a girl! Let the shopping begin!