Happy Thanksgiving!

Do y'all like my turkeys?

Yes! It's finally here! Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend, I will be celebrating my favorite holiday with my family. Why is it my favorite holiday? Um, can you think of another holiday where the main focus is FOOD? (Besides my birthday.)

OK, I also like spending time with my family and making memories. A lot of those memories are made when the wine is flowing and the mouths are running, so it's going to be a little different for me this year. I'll just hold the camcorder and wait to watch the videos when the baby comes... and after I've had a couple.

Here's to great family, great times and great food! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thanks for the pic, awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Weekly Update!

How far along? 26 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: I've been slacking lately, so a little more than 907 184.74 centigrams.

Cravings: Still waiting on that sweet potato casserole.

Sleep: Same as last week. I had a really disturbing dream the other night that Donald Trump was trying to get fresh with me. Um, ewwwww, and random! I woke up with stomach bile in my mouth.

Best moment this week: Finding out I passed my glucose test!

What I miss: Not having to worry about every little thing I eat... my metabolism sucks when I'm pregnant!

What I am looking forward to: The holidays.

Weekly Wisdom: I have none.

Weekly Update

How far along? 25 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: STILL 907 184.74 centigrams. Holding strong for 5 weeks now!

Cravings: I've been holding a special place in my heart these last few weeks for sweet potato casserole. I have to wait until Thanksgiving to get it!

Sleep: I've been waking up a few times a night with killer cramps in my calves. I've also been up at 4:30 am the past 2 mornings in a row.

Best moment this week: Watching Noah score 2 goals at soccer practice... he was SO excited!!
What I miss: Hmmmm... being pain-free? This baby can't come soon enough.

What I am looking forward to: Still looking forward to Thanksgiving. I'm starving!!!

Weekly Wisdom: I just learned that I'm suffering from symphysis pubic dysfunction. No, I'm not dying, but I am worried that my vag is in an unstable environment.

UPDATE to Pain in the... crotch?

I know what's wrong with me! I'm not a freak of nature! There's still no hope for me, though.

See the bottom of this post.

Sodium

Why am I blogging about sodium? Whether you're pregnant, a heart patient, or none of the above, sodium still affects all of us, or someone we love. (Hey! That rhymed! Watch out, Kanye!) If you could give a shit about sodium, then skip this post, but this is important.

Since the odds of developing pre-eclampsia again are pretty high, I'm doing everything I can to try to beat those odds. So, I've been trying to keep my blood pressure and water retention down, and one of the best ways to do that is to watch my sodium intake. So far, it's worked pretty well... my blood pressure is great and NO CANKLES! I drink between 1 and 2 gallons of water a day (the more water you drink, the less you retain), and I try my best not to eat processed foods, which are the sodium-devil.

As I was making my huge salad-of-the-day (I make a big salad in the morning and eat it with my meals throughout the day), I just happened to glance at the back of the baby spinach bag, and noticed there's SODIUM in it!! I'm talking raw-fresh-from-the-earth spinach, ya'll. Then I looked at the back of my romaine lettuce bag, and, gasp! SODIUM! Granted, 65 mg is not a lot of sodium, especially compared to chicken broth, but damn it... is nothing sodium-sacred? I'm talking about leafy-green rabbit food, for crying out loud!

After I picked myself up from my crying fit on the floor, I got my act together and had to remind myself that we need sodium to survive, and it's no big deal. I still can't help but feel like I've been bamboozled, though. So, what have we learned from this real-life story? Besides the fact that I am a certified over-emotional, crazy pregnant woman, the devil is everywhere, in the most obvious places and places you'd least expect it. I say... if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Roll with the punches. Keep your eyes AND your ears open. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it... at least until my next sodium-induced mental breakdown.

Such a pain in the... crotch?

For 3 weeks and five days now, it's felt like someone has kicked me in the crotch; like I've just taken a bike ride across the state on a really hard seat. And every once in a while, the pain shifts and it feels like somebody turned me around and kicked me in the ass. What the hell is this pain? I don't know. I didn't have it with Noah. My doctor said something about second pregnancy, working on my feet, c-section and tendons, but all I'm thinking is pain, pressure, bruised bone, and fearing my uterus will fall out at any second.

I'm not one to sit and complain, but since this pain is common here and there late in the 3RD TRIMESTER, then I'm going to complain a little, considering I'm still in the 2nd trimester, and I feel it all. The. Damn. Time. I'm not being sarcastic. It hurts to roll over in my sleep. Although it hurts like hell to walk or stand, I dread sitting down because it hurts so much to stand back up again.

Obviously, the most suffering comes at work. I try not to walk as much as possible, which is impossible. I find myself doing the Rachael-Ray-look-how-much-shit-I-can-carry-across-the-kitchen-somebody-give-me-a-pork-chop act a lot. And let me tell you, when I get back to my station and realize I forgot the butter in the walk-in cooler, I cry a little bit on the inside and actually have to tell my legs to start moving because my dumbass forgot to grab it the first time. I seriously have to give my legs a pep talk to start moving, and to keep moving.

So, what can I do to make myself feel better, besides NOTHING? Take Tylenol (i.e. NOTHING... should be called Tylen-does-not-work), get off my feet (see "hurts like hell to stand back up again"), or ask my doctor to sedate me until I give birth 3 months from now.

I will grin and bear it, just as I have been for the past few weeks. Just know that when you see or talk to me, I'm secretly dying inside, hating my lady-parts more and more every day.

UPDATE!!

So I did some research, and found out that my pain has a name. Here's some info about it from the What To Expect website:

Symphysis pubic dysfunction, or SPD, is a relatively common (but uncommonly painful) pregnancy condition. It's caused by a relaxation of the ligaments that normally keep the two sides of the pelvic bone tightly bound together at the symphysis pubis, the joint in the pubic area. (The culprit here is the hormone relaxin, which softens those joints to give baby an easier path out into the world.)

Sometimes, the ligaments loosen too much and quite early in pregnancy (symptoms may start around the middle of pregnancy) causing instability in the pelvic joint. One side might shift more than the other when you are walking or just moving your legs — especially if you separate them, as you would to get out of your car — causing a world of hurt. (In rarer cases, the joint may gape apart noticeably — a condition called diastasis symphysis pubis). Bearing any weight, in fact — or even trying to roll over in bed — will cause tremendous pain in the pelvis (the pubic bone will be sore to the touch), groin, hips, and sometimes the buttocks. The pain can travel down the inner thighs, and you may feel a clicking or grinding when you move. And standing on one leg? Torture.

Lamebook funnies

I just discovered Lamebook.com a few weeks ago, and it has me laughing my ass off. For those who haven't heard of it, it's a website where people submit funny comments and pictures from Facebook. Here's a few that made me laugh:

To all the parents out there...

Do you ever feel guilty for giving your kid too much juice? Or maybe they watch just a little too much TV? Well, feel guilty no more! Just go to this website, and you'll feel so much better about your parenting skills. I promise.

God bless America, and God bless every soul on that site.

Weekly update

How far along? 24 weeks

Total weight gain: 907 184.74 centigrams

Sleep: I have my good nights and my bad nights. My good nights come after working my ass off for 10 hours on my feet. I think I die after I fall asleep then come back to life in the morning.

Best moment this week: Still waiting for that one...

What I miss: Not having to pee every 20 minutes.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving! It's my favorite holiday!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't watch I'm Pregnant And... In Prison before bed. (Real show on Discovery Health. What will they think of next?)

Happy Halloween!

Finally, it's here! I love Halloween, and it's even more fun with a small child who is just so damn excited too! I'm wasn't going to dress up this year, but at the last minute I decided to go out as a pregnant lady. Noah is going as Indiana Jones and the husband will be himself, maybe with the mullet wig and Bubba teeth, if he's feeling spontanious.

Thanks for the pic, foundshit.com

Daytime TV is SCARY

I had lunch plans with a girlfriend today, but she's sick as a dog and had to cancel. Hearing her raspy sick voice on the phone this morning inspired me to lay around in my pajamas and watch crap on TV all day. I can't remember the last time I've done this... oh yeah, a few months ago when I was dying of morning sickness.

Anyway, I came across a show on TLC called "A Baby Story", and I watched 2 episodes, in absolute horror. I could not believe what these women were going through, and they even had small children at home. I watched them walk to the operating room to have their c-sections, and then bringing their babies home afterward. I had my eyes closed for half of the show, and my heart was racing. But just when I thought it couldn't get any scarier, I realized, THAT'S GOING TO BE ME, YOU DUMBASS!

What have I done? Just like watching a scary movie and having nightmares afterward, I watched this show and I just know that there's some nightmares in my future. This baby is becoming much more of a reality, and it's scaring the shit out of me. I'M GOING TO HAVE 2 CHILDREN. I'm no math genius, but I know that 2 is twice as much as 1.

Sweet, gentle baby Jesus in the manger, please give me the strength!

Laugh (or emergency) of the day

Help! Somebody get that baby an oxygen mask! She's being suffocated by a cheetah and a Joann's fabric store worth of tuile and polyester!

Gotta love the Real Housewives of New Jersey. They keep it real.

Thanks, dlisted.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Yes, pregnancy is wonderful... I'm growing a baby, right? Well, there's also the ugly side of pregnancy... and I mean UGLY.

Why in the hell does it look like somebody hit me in the back of the legs with a bag of nickels? Is cellulite an automatic bonus as soon as you get pregnant? I'll tell you what, no amount of spin classes, leafy-green salads or boneless, skinless, flavorless chicken breasts keeps that shit away.

Anybody know where I can get a horse? I've got some saddlebags-in-progress that need a job. You wanna look like perfect Heidi Klum when she's sperminated? Don't let the pregnancy gods know that because they'll make you look the opposite. Bitch.

So, what gives? I've never had these problems... and then I got pregnant. Believe me, I'm killing myself trying to be as healthy as possible, but the reality is that I'm fighting a losing battle, and I'm too stubborn to realize it.

And I don't care what anybody says, I am a firm believer that you still get PMS when you're knocked up, but 100 times worse. Saturday was an ugly day for me. I was in the worst mood for no good reason. I had my claws out and breathing fire, then it disappeared just as quickly as it came on.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have my good days -- I get the urge to talk to strangers, not feel the need to get mad at the slow-ass car in front of me, and just be nice. Those days are becoming few and far between.

On the brightside, I'm growing a mini-me in my belly, and it will only be a short time until our powers unite and... WORLD DOMINATION. Heidi Klum will be the first to go.

Yep, I'm going there.

I know... it's too early for this shit, but this is a pregnant woman's crisis! Hear me out!

Usually I wait until right after Thanksgiving to get into the Christmas spirit. My inner Martha Stewart comes out and I decorate my tree and bake cookies. I also listen to Christmas music (in small doses) and try to smile at strangers. But, I don't start on my Christmas shopping list until the middle of December because I'm a procrastinator, and I don't want to deal with it. Well, this year is different, folks. I'm starting early this year. No, my Christmas tree won't be up before Halloween, but I will start my shopping, like, NOW.

You see, I was thinking about how much it's gonna suck being 7 1/2 months pregnant and fighting the crowds... sober, at that. Inconceivable. So, I'm gonna start shopping online and hitting up Target during the morning hours. Then, I'm going to hire somebody (that will work for baked goods) to wrap all the presents I bought because Lord knows my back won't be able to handle it. If that doesn't work, then plan B... you see that black garbage bag with a twisty-tie bow on it? That's from me. Merry Christmas.

Thanks for the pic, awkwardfamilyphotos.

Weekly update!

How far along? 21 1/2 weeks

Total weight gain: 771 107.029 centigrams (no, your eyes are not decieving you... I have lost a couple hundred-thousand centigrams.)

Maternity clothes? Just pants.

Sleep: I am now waking up at 3am on a daily basis. I toss and turn for about 2 hours, then I go back to sleep until Noah wakes me up between 6 and 7am. I should really teach him how to make a pot of coffee this weekend.

Best moment this week: When I got on the scale and saw that I had lost weight. (Somewhere out there my doctor is high-fiving my personal trainer.)

Movement: All I have to say is somebody needs to be sleeping, not dancing on Soul Train in the middle of the night.

Gender: Still a girl.

Labor Signs: I started having Braxton Hicks contractions after being on my feet too long. I guess if I stood long enough (like 24 hours), I could go into labor.

Belly Button in or out? In. (What kind of question is this? I'm changing it next week.)

What I miss: Being able to get in and out of the tub without needing safety rails.

What I am looking forward to: 2 words: Halloween candy (in moderation, of course.)

Weekly Wisdom: Don't read food magazines when you're hungry. You'll wind up making braised short ribs and peanut butter banana caramel bread pudding on the fly.

Milestones: Not one stranger has had the balls to touch my belly... I didn't realize that other people could actually see the electric fence surrounding my personal bubble.

By the way, for any of you readers that give a shit... gotta question you want me to add to this list? Leave a comment (don't forget to hit "post comment" again if you get the error) and I'll add it next time!

Sorry for the delay...

Yeah, I know I haven't posted in a while. I've been really busy playing Suzy Homemaker, and it's wearing my ass out!

I'm still nesting, so I've been cleaning my house every second I can get. I've also been playing Man of the House because Adam is out of town. For the record... taking the trash out SUCKS. I had to run outside in my pajamas to roll the trash out this morning because I almost missed the garbage truck! And let me tell you, my jammies ain't that cute anymore since I'm carrying a small country in my belly. The garbage men didn't even whistle at me. Boooooo.

I've also been cooking more. Noah hasn't had a microwaved meal in over a week! Can I get a high-five?

So, add all that up, plus insomnia, daily trips to the gym and work, and that equals one worn out mutha.

To give myself a break, I took Noah out for pizza tonight, and now he's quietly playing his video game, and I'm going to let him play it as long as he wants to tonight. Thanks to this new book I found, I don't feel guilty one bit. It's called Mothers Need Time-Outs Too, and I'm all over it. I haven't read it yet, but I get the concept, and, damn it, I'm gonna give myself a time-out if I want to!

Suzi Homemaker, over and out.

Head-scratcher...

I ran into my local Walgreens this morning after I left the gym to buy some face wash. The bottle had a sticker on it that says "Pay in Cosmetics". OK, no problem. I walk up to the register and the lady tells me good morning. She then asks, "Do you need any cigarettes?" Um, what? Keep in mind that I am in my gym clothes and I have a slightly noticeable bump. I say, "Pardon?", and she asks again. I tell her no thank you.

What the hell kind of sales pitch is that?! Do I look like I need a cigarette? Granted, I probably did, along with some under eye concealer, but still! And I bought FACE WASH, not a bottle of Jack! How about offering me some lip gloss, or shampoo, since we're in the COSMETICS section? And for crying out loud, why do I keep having to write about my shopping experiences? Am I the only one that runs into freaks on a daily basis?

Weekly updates

I saw these questions on another pregnant woman's blog. I thought I'd steal them and do weekly updates for all y'all that give a shit. (Thanks, Mrs. J.)

How far along? 20 weeks

Total weight gain: 907 184.74 centigrams

Maternity clothes? Just pants.

Sleep: Aside from waking up 2 times a night to pee, not too bad. I've been having really vivid dreams. Last night I dreamt that I had my c-section and they were handing me the baby and Adam didn't have the camcorder ready. WTF Adam?!

Best moment this week: Hmmm, the week just started, but I would have to say when Noah kissed my hand in the car this morning and told me he loved me.

Movement: This girl is CRAZY, y'all! It's like a hamster on one of those wheels. I feel her kicking into my back now.

Gender: GIRL!

Labor Signs: Lord, no.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: My social life.

What I am looking forward to: A bottle of wine with my name on it.

Weekly Wisdom: An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

Milestones: As of this moment today, I have not physically hurt anyone.

Shut up, already!

I ventured over to Macy's yesterday before work to check out the Columbus Day sale. Thumbs down, by the way. Anyway, as I was perusing the baby girl layette section, a fellow knocked-up mother was doing the same. Except she was holding the most loud, baby-talking-coo-coo-obnoxious-one-way conversation with her year-old baby in the stroller. Here's how it went down:

"Oh! What do you think of this? Do you think little brofher will like this? We can tell him it's from you!"

--Insert more baby talk that I did not understand but heard loud and clear here.--

"We need to find baby brofher something for Christmas!" (Repeated 4 times. After #3, we made eye contact.)

"Oh my goodness! You are drinking so much juicey! Somebody's gonna have a pee-pee diaper! Yes, little man, you are going to have a BIG pee-pee diaper!" (At this point, blood was dripping out of my ears)

"We just need to find... what do you think of THIS?! Or THIS?! What do you think Daddy will want for dinner tonight?" (Now I was looking around for ANYONE that was over the age of 5 to pull over and just be her friend. No luck.)

--Insert more baby talk that I did not understand but heard loud and clear here.--

"We need to find baby brofher something for Christmas!"

At this point, I was fighting turrets syndrome, shaking and trying to ignore my body's urge to curl up under a clothing rack and suck my thumb. I wobbled over to the escalator, and found the nearest exit... who cares if it was the stock room?

The scary part is that she's still out there, y'all. Something tells me that her crazy ass is still looking for a Christmas present for baby brofher, and she just might visit a store NEAR YOU!

A day late and a dollar short

I live in a gated golf course community, but to get there, you gotta go through the country. I'm talking cows and goats running around front yards, mobile homes and... daily yard sales. You know the ones, right? These people have nothing better to do than shuffle their shit out to the yard every single day and try to sell it? Guess not.

Well, this one yard sale had been going on for about a week, when one day I passed it and noticed a Rascal (motorized scooter) sitting in the yard. It was black with a candy apple red base. I didn't think twice about it, but when I saw it in the yard every day for the next week, I started to fantasize about it. It probably didn't work, so I would offer $50 for the thing, take it home and fix it up. I'd put a basket on the front... checking the mail and unloading the groceries from the car would no longer be a chore. Maybe I'd put a strap on the back to hold my golf bag... one-man golf cart! I would take the governor off and get that bitch going quick, like 30 mph! I'd show up all my neighbor's golf carts in my "Race-cal"! Yeeeah, bitches!

It breaks my heart to say that my motorized scooter dreams have been shattered. On my way to take Noah to school yesterday, I saw some people loading it up in the back of their Explorer. What were those people going to do with my Race-cal? It makes me sad to think that they will give it to their 90-year-old grandmama for Christmas. That scooter had such a bright future, and I let it down. Boo hoo.

In honor of the Rascal that got away, here's a funny video of a commercial paired with the song "Ridin' Dirty".

Riding Dirty - watch more funny videos

Nesting

I'm only 19 weeks and I experienced my first "nesting" urge yesterday. I was on my way to the gym, and got an overwhelming need to clean the house. I actually considered turning around! All through spin class, I thought about what I was going to clean, and hell, I even thought about what I would make for dinner! I raced home after class, and went straight to work. With my heart rate monitor and sweaty/stanky gym clothes still on, I worked my way through the house like a mad maid. It took me just over 2 hours to clean the whole house, top to bottom.

For those that know me, this is unheard of. The last thing I do on my day off is clean the house and cook dinner on top of that. Oh yeah, I also cleaned out my car, took it to the car wash, and went grocery shopping. I was ready to go outside and straighten out the patio, but it was 8pm and 90210 was coming on. Nesting urge over.

Thanks to June Cleaver taking over my body, my house is spotless, my child is clean and I fulfilled my dinner quota for the month. Holla!

So that's how it works!

After this post about the dumbass family stickers on the back of the car, I always wondered what happened when the blissful family decided to part ways (which was probably because of the damn stickers).

Did mom keep the minivan, but have the stickers professionally removed? Or did she keep the stickers on, for wishful thinking, and to keep from upsetting the kids and the dogs? These questions plagued me, and kept me up at night. What would you do?

Well, my anxiety is gone because my questions have been answered! How clever... Mom gets the last laugh, without having to get rid of the stickers!


Thanks peopleofwalmart.com

Attention Rachael Ray haters...

Does this crazy hooker make your skin crawl? Force you to drink straight out of the bottle? Make you want to take a shower? If you answered yes to at least 2 of those questions, then you'll enjoy this parody.

Rachael Ray $40 A Day - watch more funny videos

Cravings

People ask me all the time if I'm craving anything. When I tell them yes, they ask me if it's anything weird. You mean, like, mudpies or pickled herring?

Here's what I've been craving these last few months:

-French toast from Cracker Barrel
-Cereal (any kind... I don't discriminate)
-Icees
-Goat cheese mashed potatoes with red wine syrup from work

I wake up in the morning craving those damn mashed potatoes. I don't even attempt to make them myself. I just wait until I'm at work on Saturday and get a bowl of heaven at the end of the night. I savor each bite and I have never felt so content and happy at work.

After church last Sunday, we hit up Cracker Barrel to feed my french toast craving. By the time we leave church, I'm STARVING, and just want some of that french toast, STAT. So, Adam drops me off in the front so I can run in and put our name on the list. I was waiting patiently, but the asshole in front of me kept asking the hostess a bunch of dumb questions. I was losing my patience... fast. With the words "french toast" repeating in my head, I started visualizing how I could hurt him, maybe take his kneecaps out, and then he finally moved out of the way!

I stepped up to the podium, but the hostess wasn't looking at me. She was looking at an elderly couple that just walked up. I almost lost my shit. Normally I am very polite, but there was no way I was letting granny and pop-pop cut in front of me. I inched closer to the podium, practically hugging it, and the hostess looked at me, then at them, and asked, "Who was here first?" Without missing a beat, I said, "IwasAdampartyof3!" Pop-pop and granny looked at me, appalled. They were probably wondering why this nice looking lady with a pearl necklace was so rude. All I have to say is that starving pregnant women trying to fulfill a craving trump the elderly every time, momofuckos!

Etsy

Ever heard of this site? For those of you who haven't, it's a site where people can sell their crafts. I just discovered it a few months ago and I am addicted. I can't believe how much cute baby stuff there is! Here's a hat I've been eyeing...

And by the way, can someone wrap those babies up for me, please? A-DOR-A-BLE!!

How about these baby loafers?

I also love these cute diaper covers:

Then there's the ugly side of etsy. The side that you never wished you crossed over to. Take these, for example:

Wanna take a guess as to what those are? They're WASHABLE TAMPONS.

Here's the good news: you can insert them with your finger or a disposable lollipop stick, and they come in your choice of colors: beige and neapolitian. Um, really, neapolitian? Because I want to think about ice cream while I'm sticking this thing in my hoo-ha with a lollipop stick?

My main concern would be what the hell to do with it after I took it out. If that doesn't make you want to run --not walk, to your nearest drugstore and buy some sorta-bad-for-the-environment-but-I-don't-care-because-I'm-a-sane-woman box of tampons, then I don't know what will.

You know, there's a reason why they make some things "disposable". I think etsy.com needs to monitor what these crazies are selling on their site. I just hope to God this woman has a "no-return" policy. I didn't check, but I'm willing to bet that she makes washable toilet paper too.

Cry me a riveeeeer

Better yet, I've cried myself an ocean. It's been so pathetic, ya'll. I've cried more in these last few weeks than I have in my entire adult life. I am NOT a crier, and adjusting to this pregnancy boo-hoo fest sucks.

I cry if someone hurts my feelings. WTF? Before I was pregnant, I would just bust their balls until I made them cry. I cry because I miss Noah at school, or my back hurts, or I have to pee and can't find a bathroom. I am a goddamned cry baby! Oh, and if I've been crying, and somebody asks me if I'm ok, I START CRYING AGAIN!!

I think this is happening because I'm having a girl. She's probably providing the extra estrogen (i.e. tears and feelings) I've been missing my whole life.

And the post you've all been waiting for...

We found out the sex today. Actually, we found out over a month ago, but the tech wasn't 100% sure, so we decided to wait until this big one to see if she was right. And she was.

We're having a girl!

Noah will be so thrilled, especially since he wanted a sister from the get go, and has told everyone that he's going to have a little sister and how they are best friends... so cute. He's probably going to hate her the second she pops out. I can't wait for that juggling act. Anyway, we're having a girl! Let the shopping begin!

Where have I been?

I've been in the damn bathroom, that's where. I thought that the baby was doing the electric slide on my bladder, or using it as a punching bag, but during my ultrasound today, I saw none of that. Nope, my lazy baby is using my bladder as a RECLINER!

I literally have to pee every 20 minutes. It's not a gradual thing, either. It's like, BAM! I GOTTA PEE, NOW!! This is really great, especially at work. I'm having the hardest time getting things done when I have to take my apron off and walk all the way into the dining room and back every 20 minutes. One day I tried to count how many times I went to the bathroom in one day. It was between 28 and 32. Who does that?! I feel like everybody looks at me like I have a problem. I just want to say that no, I do not have an enlarged prostate or a bladder infection. I simply have a baby in my belly using my bladder as a memory foam pillow.

Shopping woes

Today I ventured out and went shopping for maternity clothes for the first time. I shopped 'til I dropped. So let's play a game. I shopped 'til I dropped... what?

a. Dropped kicked the sales guy at Gap when he told me they no longer carried maternity.

b. Dropped on the floor crying, out of frustration of not being able to find anything ANYWHERE.

c. Dropped my credit card down for a cute pair of shoes.

d. All of the above.

If you guessed "d", you're right! I didn't actually drop kick the guy at Gap, but I thought about it, and held myself back. And yeah, I found some cute shoes, but what am I going to wear them with? My pajamas? Gym clothes? This sucks. I guess it's time to play the "Order online and pray it fits" game.

I'm drowning my sorrows in a big 'ol Icee. It's numbing the pain beautifully.

Zumba

Ya'll heard of this class offered at the gym? It's nuts, if you ask me. You learn dance moves, then by the end of class, you put all the moves together and ZUMBA! (I'm assuming that's what they call dancing.)

I took this class one time. I had a friend beg me to go with her. I told her that I couldn't dance for shit. She said she couldn't either, and that it would be fun! Um, no. Let me tell you, I was the only idiot in that class with no rythym or coordination. I had no business being in that class, especially since the walls were all glass, and everyone could see me shaking my ass at the wrong times.

Afterwards, I picked my integrity (and left hip) up off the floor, walked out of the classroom, and never looked back. I looked like William Hung dancing to "She Bangs". Seriously. I think he stole his dance moves from me that day in Zumba class...